[Originally posted October 2010]

Jack Black. How long are people going to keep paying to see the same stupid act from this ape-faced hack?  This dummy’s made maybe a dozen movies or so and each one is simply yet another shitty iteration of some crap scripted excuse to allow him to force-act his retarded persona driven by his self-delusion that he’s somehow funny. And relevant.  Every time he pulls that “crazed” face, I wanna hold up my “School Of Rock” devil horn hands and poke his stupid eyes out.

Cameron Diaz. This duck-faced cackling witch has the on-screen personality of dry white toast.  She is nothing if persistent with that bullshit.  When was the last time you saw a movie with her in it, and you left the theater thinking, “Cameron Diaz was simply brilliant it that”?  When has she ever carried a movie?  She’s built an entire career based on lazy performances in even lazier movies in which not one of her roles couldn’t have been played by any dozen of other struggling actress still waiting tables in West Hollywood.  Who probably a billion times hotter than this fugly wench.

Nicolas Cage. “Kick Ass” notwithstanding, Nicolas Cage is the dullest hustler in all of Hollywood.  He’s like a walking billboard boasting the idea that if you’re born into the right film-making family, you somehow have a right to torment the public with your atrocious acting simply because you can hustle your way into every shitty movie because Jerry Bruckheimer got too lazy flipping through his rolodex after the first three letters.  Nicolas Cage happy looks the same as Nicolas Cage surprised which looks the same as Nicolas Cage in grief which looks the same as Nicolas Cage enraged.  I see more range from my goldfish, and at least my goldfish has the decency not to make shitty movies.

Will Smith. This shithead from Philly seems to have forgotten that he once wore neon spandex and Starter hats, and rapped about shitty parents.  Now this sanctimonious douche uses the same tired smug act in every other mindless summer action flick that’ll get shitty reviews and despite that, will earn a gajillion dollars.  You know what, maybe it isn’t Will Smith at fault here – maybe it’s the morons who keep paying to see his crap, thus reinforcing Will Smith’s delusion that he’s a good actor.  For the sake of humanity, please stop doing it.

Katherine Heigl. This ungrateful wench can’t take a hint.  Each movie she’s in is panned harder than the last and yet persists in making even more terrible romantic comedies.  Face it, “Knocked Up” worked in spite of her, not because of her stupid whiny ass.  And since then it’s been a string of hacky, predictable, unimaginative saccharin fests.  The fact that she’s shit on pretty much everyone who’s helped her become famous only makes her more repulsive than her performances.  When did we become so desperate for movies that romantic comedies continue to get greenlit as a genre?  Far as I’m concerned, we’re done.  Let, I dunno, “When Harry Met Sally” be the last romantic comedy we ever need and let’s be done with it.  Because as long as there are romantic comedies, you give an excuse to this dummy to keep seeking lead roles.  Cut it off at the head.

Harrison Ford. Enough already.  Every time you’re on screen, we’re reminded that Raiders Of The Lost Ark was a loooong time ago.  And that stupid earring you wear screams to us that you’re wildly aware of your mortality and to cope with that, your solution is to be one pathetic old git who’s trying too fucking hard.

Quentin Tarantino. Bad enough that pretty much all of the movies he directs are hacky and derivative.  But every so often, this video-store-nerd-exacting-revenge-on-the-world will inflict greater pain on the audience by actually putting himself in front of the camera.  Where the hell are the producers on these movies to rein in this asshole?  To call him a bad actor is an insult to the millions of other actors who are terrible at their jobs.  This guy makes Nicolas Cage look like John Malkovich.

Kate Hudson. By far one of the worst offenders, but I questioned if I should add her to this list because it seems may no longer have a career (God, we should be so lucky).  I think this girl might be pitching a perfect game if the game was starring in shitty movies.  Bonus demerits for being this generation’s very own Yoko to The Black Crowes.

Kim Cattrall. She would easily be the female Bill Shatner, except Shatner’s funny and has a sense of humor about himself… so maybe she’s not she-Shatner.  So how is she like Shatner?  She’d give Shatner a run for his money in the overacting department.  She’s like the dowager of that art.  And if Shatner has that odd cadence, this hag has some insanely pretentious affect that makes her come off as if she’s an Astor heiress.  Makes me want to stab her in the head with a Jimmy Choo.

Samuel L. Jackson. Much like Stephen Colbert, there is no off-screen Sam Jackson or on-screen Sam Jackson.  That bullshit, played-out bad muthafucka act is all this jerkoff can manage.  Every movie it’s the same damn thing.  ”I’m tired of these snakes, I’m tired of driving this cab around while things blow up, I’m not gonna take it anymore!”  Shut up, you One-Action Jackson.  Even the Jedi you played in those stupid Star Wars movies wwa hilarious because you’ve become a complete caricature of yourself.  Shut up, sit down, and stop with the movies – it’s nothing we haven’t seen about a dozen times already and I’m tired of your shit.