[Originally posted January 2011]

Rex Ryan's middle finger

Angelina Jolie. She plays every role the exact same way: “I’m so hot it hurts.”  Does she play anything other than some femme fatale who’d do you and kill you, but not necessarily on that order?  This is probably the closest I’ll ever get to feeling like Brad Pitt because I’ll bet he’s pretty sick and tired of her shit, too.  How can he not be, he’s smoking a bowl of hash every night just to get by.

Jay Leno. He’s been a powerhouse at lowering the bar of late night TV for close to 20 years now, to the point that putting a bowl of string cheese on the air at 11:45pm is now considered edgy stuff.  Fuck Jay.  Fuck him forever.

Vampire Weekend. This entry should technically qualify as four people, not one, but even I can’t cheap out that way.  Besides, I’ve got a lot of hate to give.  And I really hate these four Upper West Side douchebags.  It was quirky, mildly interesting two years ago, then they became awful, dull caricatures of themselves, and those Tommy Hilfiger and Honda ads didn’t help.

Steve Jobs. Everytime I want to buy a new Apple product, I punch myself in the face.  Then I turn over my credit card to the smug nerd at the Apple store.  I like uniformity, I like my shit to all work together.  Thing is, these Apple pieces of shit don’t always work the way I want them to.  They work the way Jobs wants them to.  They’re all designed to work for Jobs and Jobs only: “Fuck your needs, you do everything his way from now on.”

Julian Assange. I’m not convinced you raped anyone in Sweden, but I am convinced that you have seriously creepy rapey tendencies (big difference).  Your leaked emails removed any doubt I might’ve had.

The Palins. All of ‘em.  I’m pretty sure the only one of them who isn’t an attention whore is the baby.  And even then I’m not sure.  John McCain, national hero and all, but I will forever hate his ass for bringing us Mama Palin.  That was fucked up, and now he’s fucked us because we’re stuck with this shrieking harpie airhead while he probably has no problem chilling out in his hacienda in Arizona with a couple of Coors Lights on the porch watching the sun set.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, we now have to deal with her fat daughter dancing on TV (how the hell do you stay fat while competing in a rigorous dancing contest?!), her little tweeting shithead kid, and that almost-son-in-law jerkoff.  Is there a more loathsome family on earth?  Maybe those shitheads with the 19 kids?  Somehow I don’t think so.

Ted Williams. Listen, I’m happy he got discovered and he’s no longer living in the streets.   But 24 hours of him and I’ve had enough already.  I don’t even care that he’s got baggage (the nine kids, the half-blind wife he ran out on) – who doesn’t.  But enough already.  This guy may be back on the straight and narrow, and he’s already fucking up.  I think we got as much as we need out of his story, move the fuck on.  I so don’t care anymore.  Even if he does keep getting busted by cops.

Sammi and Ronnie. I got tired of these two clowns two seasons ago.  In a house full of maladjusted fuckwits, these two are king and queen of astronomical stupidity.  And if you know the Jersey Shore crew, you know that that’s a seriously tall claim.  Even with Angelina off the show.

Rex Ryan. This massive ridiculous tub of lard thinks he’s bigger than the league. At the rate he’s going, he might well be. Especially since his coaching rants includes gems about going to “eat a goddamn snack”.  WTF, you fat fuck.  Then there’s the fact that he’s a toe-fucker.

Banksy. This fucker’s getting too big for his own good.  Banksy was awesome when he just did the graffiti and buggered off.  Leaving the masses to sort out what he’d left for us in the dark of night.  Now, this asshole’s got a movie.  WTF. Then there’s that ridiculous “auction” on ebay to reveal his identity.  At this point, even if the real Banksy came forward and admitted that he was Banksy, I wouldn’t believe him.  I almost don’t care at this point.  When Banksy was an enigma, he was fun.  It used to be about the graffiti, now it’s all about him.  Fuck you, Banksy.