[Originally posted October 2010]

It’s really easy to find my earphones each time I want to plug into my iPhone.  I reach into the pocket that contains a big lump of plastic linguini, scoop it out, and proceed to spend the next agonizing ten minutes untangling that mangled mess.  The fact that I have to do this is rigoddamndiculous.  The Walkman was introduced in 1979.  Between then and now, it appears that NO ONE has made the effort to design/build earphones that don’t get tangled up in one retarded mess.  Shame on you, nerds.

Yes, there are cordless headphones/earphones on the market, but they look like ass, they’re heavy, and did I mention they look like ass?

Tell you what, here’s what I want:

Build it off the same technology that’s made these mobile phone bluetooth headsets so microscopic these days. I loathe these bluetooth headsets with every fiber of my being – what sort of deformed T-Rex arms do you have that you can’t walk around and hold that stupid phone up to your ear to talk?  If you’re driving, maybe I understand (maybe), but if you’re walking down Sixth Avenue with your stupid reptilian arms swaying at your side while you’re yammering away, someone needs to punch you right in the back of the head for thinking that perpetuating the illusion of talking to yourself was perfectly alright.  Knock it off, jackass, and pick up the goddamn phone.

But I digress.  Bluetooth headsets.  If there’s one bit of good that can come out of this stupid invention, it would be its application to making bluetooth earphones that are small and lightweight for my iPod/iPhone.

Forget replaceable batteries. These mobile phone headsets all use plug-in rechargers.  Make it the same for these bluetooth earphones that I want.  I don’t want to the hassle of taking apart something the size of my thumbnail (yes, that’s how small I want it) just so I can pretend to be some surgeon in order to carefully extract with some manner of precision a microscopic proprietary battery, only to have to delicately reverse the process for the replacement.  Bollocks to that.  I don’t wanna buy new batteries, I wanna plug it in.

Connect the two tiny earphones with a thin wire that loops around the back of your neck. That way if I have to pop off the earphones, I can leave them hanging off my shoulder in the front.  Shut up, I like it that way.

Make sure they’re earbuds, not these bullshit in-ear monitors. God, I hate those earplug IEMs.  When I listen to music, I really don’t need to stuff up my ear canal so as to block out every frequency from the outside world.  I love my music, but I don’t have to be that into it I have to be audibly isolated from the outside world in order to enjoy it.  When I walk around the city, I’d like to hear things like some jerkoff cab trying run a red light and barreling towards me, so that I can step back onto the sidewalk – even though there’s a walk sign! – and not get completely plastered by this lumbering yellow menace.  That, and the I-can-hear-everything-inside-my-head sensation that makes me feel like I have a permanent head cold.  Knock it off with the IEMs.  Bring back the earbuds that sit in the outer ear canal.  And keep it simple.  Just a simple set of earbuds; no clips that wrap around the ear, not special shapes that loop wires around your ears, no nothing.  Just the earbuds, thankyouverymuch.

And lastly, fuck Apple for arguably the WORST earphones in the universe.  There’s a sense of irony that the makers of the world’s most popular portable music device will supply you with the world’s shittiest earphones.  You assholes pour all that money into R&D, a lifetime supply awful black turtlenecks of Jobs, publicity stunts of getting your prototypes stolen, and you can’t even be arsed to supply a pair of earphones that don’t sound like musical fajitas through a dog’s sphincter?  I hate you guys.

The rest of you nerds, get to it.