[Originally posted October 2010]

Road food. Was there some gas station/rest stop coalition formed years ago where they all got together to form some unholy pact to sell and serve only the most heinous shit in the universe to unwitting and desperate drivers? Is this some retarded goof on the cross-country driving public, or something far more sinister? Because it’s as if these joint are actually going out of their way to serve the most gawdawful shit on earth. Inedible rancid shitfood. Maybe there is there some secret tournament amongst them to see who can come up with the worst shit that people will actually pay money to stuff down their big fat-coated throats. Like maybe there are local competitions, that ladder up to state championships, then regional playoffs that culminate in some national shit-off.And if some schmuck actually drops dead right there and then in the rest stop after one bite, that’s taken as a hole-in-one.Because somewhere out there has to be the single worst rest stop restaurant in the universe. Maybe you’ve found it. I don’t know if I have, but I’ve visited some strong playoff contenders. And that was just this past weekend.

And the biggest fucking joke is that the people who most need to stop at these little hells-on-earth are the ones we probably need some proper sustenance so that they don’t fall into some glycemic shock that’ll cause them to veer right into an oncoming eighteen-wheeler. But instead of getting the sustenance they need, they get the opposite. Some shit that’s just as likely to stop their hearts right there and then, as much as it’s likely to give them a fresh serving of crippling Hep C. “Hey, I’m pretty hungry right now, why don’t I pull into this rest stop here, and give that wart-ridden jackass behind the counter some of the rolled-up money I’ve got in my pocket to give me a swift punch to my heart and line my insides with liquefied possum fat. Yeah, that’s a great idea.Let’s go, kids! Maybe they’ll give you a lead-laden toy with your meal!”

Here’s the thing: why the fuck does everything need to be deep-fried? And covered in that super-durable polymer they tell you is “cheese”? Road food: made by, for, and with assholes.

“Just fry the shit out of everything, and I fucking mean EVERYTHING! Fry up that hot dog, fry up every piece of chicken there is in this joint, fry up those tomatoes. For dessert, fry up some ice-cream. These assholes love fried shit so much, I think we should actually take a piece of shit – literally – deep fry it some of that BP fuel we scooped up out of the Gulf, and give it a name. But call it something so they won’t know what the fuck it is they’re eating. I know: ‘chicken-fried steak’! Is it chicken? Is it steak? Fuck if I know, it’s got ‘fried’ in its name, it’s gonna be awesome!!!”

Instant food. Exercise a little patience, assholes. Just a little. By that, I mean a couple of minutes, that’s all. Just wait the extra couple of minutes to get something that’s properly made, rather than reheated, reconstituted from some partial biosynthetic extract that you know not from whence it came.

Take oatmeal, for example. Why the fuck are people willing to eat shit like instant oatmeal? Regular oatmeal takes about 10 minutes to make. Instant oatmeal takes about 5 minutes. Would it really fucking kill you to go the extra 5 minutes to get something that you know is actually made from oatmeal (because you can fucking see the oat grain), and not something that’s about three tablespoons’ (face it, those bags of instant oatmeal are tiny) worth of a cross between spackle and dog puke? How little do you give a shit about what you’re stuffing into your big fat pie hole that you’d settle for a bowl of processed assholes just because you can inhale it in 3 minutes instead of having to wait a couple more minutes for something to be made from scratch. Can’t waste a spare minute when it comes to eating crap!

Is it possible that you’re that retarded that you can do little more than to pour in some hot water or push a button on the microwave? Name one instant food that tastes better and is better for you? Just one. That’s alright, I’ll wait. How about you slow the fuck down, take your time to cook up something so that you know exactly what went into what you’re eating, and chill the fuck out. No one’s asking you to cook something super fancy, just stop with this instant bullshit.

New Yorkers who eat Subway. More than any group of people in the world, I want to bash together the heads of all these people. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don’t mean that rhetorically. I really want to know what the fuck is your defect that you live in the city with greatest delis in the world, and Hector or Jose eagerly standing behind the counter are only too happy to construct any concoction of a stacked sandwich to your heart’s delight… and you opt for motherfucking Subway. What the hell is wrong with you?! Each time you buy a five dollar footlong, you spit in the face of Hector. And Hector’s children. Stop with the Subway bullshit. How much do I fucking hate that chain. Bullshit sandwiches made of meats that look like sliced up tumors, and vegetables that look like they were pre-chewed by rabid mules. And they always look as good as they taste – like month-old roadkill.

Walk the ten extra paces to the corner deli and get yourself a proper sandwich, dipshit. Have some self-respect, for fuck’s sake.