[Originally posted October 2010]

Why do imbeciles pay hard-earned money to go to a concert just to flap their pieholes away throughout the show?  Someone explain this to me because I just don’t get it.  Just about every concert I’d been to in the last five years or so I’ve had to take a quick time out to tell someone nearby to shut the fuck up.

This reached new lows when I went to see Thievery Corporation and Massive Attack at the Beacon.  You know, Thievery Corporation with all their chilled out tunes, sitar, mellow brass, with trancey reggae vocalists.  That chilled out Thievery Corporation.  And Massive Attack, the pantheon of cool-as-fuck trip hop.  The same Massive Attack who will just as soon hypnotize you with Robert del Naja’s sprechgesang (yeah, you like that, don’t you – I had to look it up) vocals, as much as they would have you jumping up and down to the pounding beats and lightshow.

This was a doublebill of trip hop revenge.  And this joint was packed to the gills with douchebags who couldn’t shut the fuck up. Throughout the entire Thievery set, this trio of cackling wenches kept themselves amused by completely ignoring the show on stage and instead flapped their gums throughout the entire set.  The entire Thievery set.  I’d just finished my drink and I had an empty plastic bottle in my hand.  It took every fiber of self-restraint and forced maturity to not hurl it one of these shrieking harpies.

And not two seconds after I decide to avoid creating a fracas, someone nearby has other plans and yells out, “Will you shut up, you fat bitch!”  Turns out a different rotund blonde couldn’t shut up either, and the dude behind her had just about had enough of her shit.  She turns around to slap him but misses.  He mouths something else to her, and fatty’s boy toy – who was sitting next to her the entire time, but apparently not the recipient of her yammering drone – swings around and forcibly lands his fist right in the dude’s face.  FATBITCHFIGHT!  In two minutes flat, these morons are given the Elian Gonzalez treatment and forcibly removed from the premises.   These douchebags got tossed out a Thievery Corporation show, for fuck’s sake.  How much of a fuckwit do you have to be to get tossed out of a chilled out, down dub reggae show.  What a collection of assholes.

But it would take me until Massive Attack took the stage before I would be forced to take things into my own hands.  Right in front of me was this seven-foot dufus who not only obstructed my view, but persisted a lengthy monologue onto his friend sitting next to him.  He’s yammering through Massive Attack’s opening number, then the second, then the third.   I start shushing him but to no avail, so I lean to share a bit of advice, “Hey, shut the fuck up.”

He turns around all hairy-eyed, and sputters, “What?!  It’s not an opera, OK?  (pause) It’s not an opera!”  You see, he repeated himself there because he’s clearly got an enlightened observation there that he feels is really important to share.  It’s not an opera.  Brilliant.  He turns forward, and shuts up for next song.  Ten minutes go by and he grabs his jacket and marches out. Oooh, he showed me!  Congratulations on the hasty exit, doucheface.  You win, I guess?

And to the rest of you, please, PLEASE, PLEASE shut the hell up.  The band’s playing, for God’s sake.