[Originally posted December 2010]

For what I do for a living – or at least pretend to – I don’t watch anywhere as much TV as I should. Odd, but true. I really should be more tuned into the primetime line-ups, all these new series on cable that have rabid followings, and I probably should start getting my news from folks other than Stewart and Colbert.

But my loathing for TV is my own.  I refuse to be one of these puritanical, sanctimonious douchebag parents who deprives his kid from watching any TV because he somehow thinks he’s going to raise kids who are above it all.  Bullshit, you stop your kids from watching TV, and your kid’s gonna be the only little shit in school who can’t keep up with everyone else.  ”What’s Phineas & Ferb, guys?” *Punch!!* That little shit’s gonna grow up to be some freakish hermit, and take to the top of a clocktower with a high-powered rifle one day.

So I let the kids watch some TV.  And when I do, I realize that there are some bullshit shows on TV for kids.  I try to limit my kids’ exposure to these bullshit shows, which seem to have been developed for the express purpose of fucking up my kids and pissing me off all at the same time:

Wonder Pets

The Wonder Pets. Never has a show made me want to punch a duck so hard.  And that includes watching Oregon football games.  I don’t care that the show looks like was made out of cut outs from some National Geographic Kids magazine.  Or the fact that’s painfully formulaic – which friggin’ kid show isn’t.  Or the fact that their flyboat looks like the single-most unimaginative piece of shit on TV since Star Trek’s sad excuse for making someone an alien is to put some Play-Doh on their foreheads.  I can almost live with that bullshit on this show.

Because what sends me right over the edge is that fucking stupid yellow duck, Ming Ming.  What on God’s green earth would you put a character with retarded speech impediment in a kid’s TV show?  Elmer Fudd notwithstanding, natch.  Why does this stupid duck mispronounce all Rs as Ws?  Let me get this straight – an Asian duck who can’t pronounce the letter R. The last time I saw something this suggestively racist, Mickey Rooney was slagging off Audrey Hepburn from the top of the stairs. WTF.  It’s not cute, it’s not clever, what it is is really bloody annoying.  I’ve got nothing against that turtle, I’ve got nothing against that guinea pig, except for the fact that for the longest time, I thought the guinea pig was a boy guinea pig named Lenny, not a girl named Linny.  Guinea Pig Crying Game aside, that duck is the one who pisses me off.  I wish that stupid flyboat would end up in a fiery crash with her in it.

Little Bear

Little Bear. If you wanna raise a delusional pussy, a daily helping of Little Bear will get you ahead of your goal in no time.  What a piece of shit this show is.  First of all, no one has a name in it.  The animals are all named what they are: Cat, Duck, Snail, whatever.  What kind of precedent does that set with the kids?  But that’s nothing compared to the entire premise of the show: Little Bear is a enormous wuss.  The stupid cub never gets into trouble, never kicks up a fuss, never bitches when he can’t get his way, never gets his ass handed to him, and everything’s all sweet and nice well-mannered.  Everything is just hunky-fucking-dory all the time.  What kind of bullshit is this?  What is this supposed to be, some kind of example for the kids?  When was the last time you had your kids mimic any of this horseshit?  That’s right, never ever ever.

Wifey cleverly pointed that Little Bear was created by Maurice Sendak.  Which is bewildering.  How does the same guy who create Max, a pretty average loony kid who acts out and screams and is enough of a horror show to make a bunch of monsters his bitches, also create Little Bear, who is arguably most nauseatingly saccharin-filled wussbag on TV?

If any kid acted like Little Bear, he’d get the shit kicked out of him in school.  And that’s just in kindergarten.  I’ll be honest, I’m a bit disappointed my kids haven’t yet turned to me in the middle of this show and said, “Dad, what the hell.”

Little Bear is a pansy-assed little shit.

Yo Gabba Gabb

Yo Gabba Gabba. I don’t fucking get it. Not in the whole Barney-sorta “you-have-retarded-children-so-they-watch-Barney” kinda not get it.  No, I don’t get what the fucking grown-up appeal is.  You got dozens of celebs (OK, maybe celebs is being a tad generous here) who make cameos week in and week out. Yes, yes, the celebs are for the parents, I get that (hooray for Biz Markie – but my kids think there’s something seriously wrong with him).  But why this fucking show?!  These celebs all say they love Yo Gabba Gabba. And I’ve got friends who say they love Yo Gabba Gabba – I don’t talk to them much anymore.

What is it, the Pong-like music that sets you back to your youth? Is it like “Saved By The Bell” and me in college, i.e. it’s dreadful but you just can’t stop watching (and you’re pretty incapacitated from the night before and you just can’t be arsed to look for the remote to change the channel)?  The folks I know who love it don’t love it out some ironic humor standpoint – they truly fucking love it.

Clearly it’s hip enough to get that buck-toothed cyclops into a Kia spot. Maybe there’s some hipster thing going on here, and if so, then I’m pretty sure it’s lost on me. And the worst part – the WORST! – is that because of this stupid show, my kids now know who Jack Black is, and they fucking love him for it.  Sonofa… I’m such a colossal failure as a parent.

Lazytown

Lazytown. More like Creepytown.  Why the hell are some characters fully human and others puppets?  What is the point of this?  Anyone else feel a sense of overwhelming creepiness everytime this mustachioed hero shows up on screen with his pencil-thin mustache and bulging muscles constantly flipping around and doing somersaults for no reason, like a juiced-up rhesus monkey on crack?  Calm the fuck down, you ‘roid-soaked freak.  And stop with the bullshit that anything can fixed by eating a bag of baby carrots, drinking your milk, and doing 200 push-ups a day.  Yeah, we get that physical activity is good.  I like that everyone else in the town is fuck-up, but you get to bounce in off your hot-air balloon and save the day because you can do back flips and not get winded.  What kind of story is that to tell kids?

And I can’t even be arsed to get into what the deal is with the pink girl, i.e. why is she the only other human-looking person, and where the hell are her parents, and what is her bizarre relationship to this ‘roid freak, Sporticus.  God, Iceland is bizarre place.