[Originally posted January 2011]

Homer facepalm

People who bounce their legs. This is by far the most irritating trait I have ever known.  I’d rather be locked up in a room with a coked up asshole with ADD and Tourette’s wielding a rusty knife than to sit down next to some jerkoff who can’t stop bouncing his legs.  Stop shaking everything around you, you jittery fuck.  I mean, what the fuck is that?  What the hell sort of nervous disorder are you suffering from that you need to keep bouncing your legs?  I swear I want to take a baseball bat to that bouncing knee.  They’ve got drugs for this shit now, did you know that.  Take ‘em.  In fact, take the entire bottle in one go.  Maybe it’ll help numb the pain when I use my leg to kick the living shit out of you.

Dudes who wear shorts when it’s below freezing. And it’s always the same classic jock fuckhead who’s properly bundled up on top but from the waist down, he’s sporting workout shorts, little pussy ankle socks, and a pair of Asics.  What the fuck is that look about?  Did you wake up and the top half of your body decided to stave off the frozen tundra outside, but the bottom half of you decided that you were doing to dress for the southern hemisphere?  What an asshole.

People who lick their fingers before handing you something. Could you be any more heinous.  Stop with the licking already.  I don’t want that piece of paper with the wet spot in the corner.  In fact, I’d like to return that wet spot to where it came and shove that piece of paper down your throat for being such a gross jerkoff.  Calm down, take a few extra seconds to grab that piece of paper if you can’t get a grip on it – don’t worry I’ll wait.  I’ll gladly wait so that you don’t have to slather tongue juice all over that thing you’re handing me.  Don’t use your gross saliva as an adhesive, you nasty piece of shit.  I can only hope you contract some flesh-eating disease from putting your fingers in your mouth all day.

Check writers. Especially at a checkout counter.  What could possibly be the benefit of writing a stupid check when you’re buying something?  How has the credit/debit card age passed you by, you archaic curmudgeon.  We’re at an age where I can practically wave my mobile phone at a salesperson and my credit card will get charged correctly.  And yet you get these assholes at the counter rummaging through their pockets or handbags, pulling out these stupid checks, squinting at the numbers on the register so that they make sure they put the decimal in the right place, and invariably, they all take their time to ensure that the check sports the most immaculate penmanship.  Fuck you and your checks.  I have half a mind to set your checkbook on fire right there and then.  Hell, I’d pay for your stupid purchase if it means you’d move the hell on so that the rest of us can get on with our lives.  Selfish gits.

People who sit 20 feet apart and talk to each other on speaker phone. This is an increasing problem as workplaces start to tear down walls, put people in cubes – sorry, “executive workstations” or some bullshit – and fill them with retards who have no idea of what it means to have a face-to-face conversation with someone.  It’s bad enough that email’s crippled all of us with us lobbing email grenades at each other (“I’m sending you this email at eight in the evening, now it’s your problem you need to deal with tomorrow, sucker!”), and it’s just as bad that people can’t seem to get off their fat asses to go walk over to talk to someone that they have to call that person who’s 10 paces away.   But now I gotta deal with assholes who are within earshot of each other blathering on speakerphone to one another?  Could you be a more inconsiderate, lazy asshole?  Speakerphones should have a minimum distance functionality.  The two connecting phones are under 100 feet apart, they’re disabled.  And they should have some built-in sensor so that it requires a minimum of two people using it for it to work.  There’s no good reason you need to use a speakerphone if you’re the only person on your end.  Pick up the damn receiver, jerkoff.  No one wants to hear your whole tedious conversation.