[Originally posted September 2010]


Fist Bump

1.  The fist bump. The next time someone tries to fist bump me, I’m going to miss and land my fist right in their stupid face.  This shit got old ages ago, and if the press made a big deal out of the president doing it, then you should’ve given up using it two terms ago.  The only thing worse than the first bump?  The exploding fist bump.  What, like your knuckles kissing isn’t manly enough, you’ve gotta go all Michael Bay with your digits, too?  Fuck you and your pretend-action fingers.  You make me want tomake your nose explode with my fist when you flash that self-satisfied smirk from a well-executed exploding fist bump.  It’s like sign language declaring what an enormous douche you are.  Knock it off.  And by NO MEANS does this mean that you can go back to high-fiving one another.  Just don’t fucking do anything.  Just calm the fuck down.

Joaquin Phoenix

2.  Beards. If you think I’m gonna waste another second talking about Katie Holmes, Kelly Preston or whomever Mrs. Hugh Jackman is, you’ve clearly made a mistake reading this far.  What do you think this is, the Enquirer?  Of course I’m talking about the rampant re-forestation of the lower hemisphere of heads all over.  First of all, fuck you for being able to grow a beard.  I can’t grow one.  Ever.  I’m pretty sure I’ve used the same razor since 2008.  The only thing that gets used less in my house is the Wii Fit that I bought because I had a brain fart and forgot that Dance Dance Revolution was retarded the first time ‘round.  But I digress.  Beards: knock it off.  It’s bad enough that your average hipster douchebag has leveraged beard size as a proxy for penis size as the present-day barometer for machismo, you gotta go join in the party and encourage them with your own half-assed bullshit beard.  Except you know you’re not committed to the whole hipster shit.  You’re too old for all that malarkey.  But you still wanna dabble, but dare not commit.  You’re too chicken shit to ride that fixed gear bike (WTF).  Or walk into a vintage clothing store because you think you’ll catch lice or lupus in there.  So you do the only thing you excel at: being a lazy fuck.  For those of you who insist on growing beards, you do know that you’re not actually doing anything consciously, right?  You’re not growing a beard as much as you are simply not grooming.  The problem with acting like you’re not giving a shit about your stupid face is that you’ll actually give a shit about just about everything else, you pretentious douche.  And if you do give a shit enough to shape your stupid beard, then congratulations you’re an even bigger asshole – you probably sport a goatee: the mullet of the ‘90s.  Mad props for being brave enough to hold on to this one for so long.  Looks like your flannel hoodie and your jorts are holding up quite well, too.  As if growing a beard wasn’t bad enough, you want to wrangle your facial bonsai.  ”I’m not going to let this beard grow just anywhere it wants, I’m gonna tame this motherfucker – I’m gonna let it grow just around my lips, nowhere else.”  Make no mistake: goatees are for weak-chinned assholes who probably use flashing bluetooth earpieces because their stunted reptilian arms can’t reach their heads with their stupid Android phones.  Point is, whether you farm your beard or not – unless your drummer’s name is Beard, or you’re a stand-up comic with an unspellable/unpronounceable last name – you really need to get rid of it because it’s really making you look like a complete doucheface.

Betty White

3.  Betty White. Leave this poor woman alone.  She’s earned the fucking right not to be treated like a prime-time circus monkey in this twilight of her existence.  Congratulations to all you shitheads for catching on to the truth the rest of us have known about Betty White for ages: that she’s a foul-mouth old broad who’s cooler than you’ll ever be.  But you’re not satisfied with that.  You need to wring the living fuck out the idea of Betty White and put her in every imaginable fucking show on God’s green earth.  Sitcoms, sketch comedy, cartoons… holy shit, just let it go.  She’s got a dirty, filthy mouth, and while I’m sure you think the idea of a grandma with a potty mouth is hilarious, I’m equally sure you’ve never flown coach from LaGuardia to Ft. Lauderdale with a cabin-load of bitter, angry grandmas who just don’t give a fuck about you or anyone else.  It’s funny for about a minute, then you just want the open the door of the airplane and step out at 35,000 feet.  Just let Betty White be.  Whomever came up with that Facebook page to get her on SNL needs to cockpunched repeatedly.  I’m thrilled that she’s able to cash in at her age because you’re all a bunch of retarded lemmings.  But enough with trying to cram Betty White into every fucking thing out there right now.  So please, please, PLEASE, fuck off with any further suggestions about her hosting to Oscars or making her the halftime show at the Super Bowl or what not.   You assholes are making me hate Betty White, through nothing that she’s done on her own part.