[Originally posted September 2010]

  1. The jerk-off who was balancing his laptop with one hand on the railing along the train tracks at Grand Central Terminal this morning, while pinching a mobile phone between his shoulder and his ear, and holding is bag in his other hand. Are you fucking serious?  Ooooh, I’m so goddamn important with mad techno-balance skills that I gotta stop right here and talk you through the Excel charts on my laptop.  I have to do it RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  No time to step out of the way, this shit’s important!  And this was right when about a hundred or so work zombies were pouring of the train cars so that they can hurry to their shit jobs.  It took every ounce of self-restraint not walk up to this self-important douchebag and give him an ever-so-slight nudge… which would’ve been enough to send his shitty electronic playground tumbling like a house of cards right onto the train tracks below.  God, that would’ve made my week.
  2. Pedestrians who read. Put that stupid book down, and pay attention to where you’re walking, assholes.  Or better yet, don’t.  Because I’d love for you to walk right into traffic, or some ghastly steaming massive hole in the road which Con Ed dug up overnight.  And I’ll guarantee that whatever you’re reading is some Oprah Book Club piece of shit.  It’s always some shitterific Dan Brown book or some hackey John Grisham atrocity.  And this gives me twice as many reasons to hate shit writers like Dan Brown.  Not only do they write crap, they write crap for shitheads who read this crap while walking into me.  If I punch this walking offender in the face, do I punch Dan Brown by proxy?  I should try it one day and see if I feel like I’ve gotten back at Dan Brown in some way for littering the literary world with his bullshit.  Anyway, back to assholes who walk and read at the same time: I hope that book puts you in front of a speeding cab.
  3. Moms and dads who think they’re clever by boasting about how their kids like their indie music. Fuck off, your kids don’t know jack-fucking-shit.  I fucking loathe every other parent in town who just happens to know some band other than the Stones tell me how he played the Pixies or the Hold Steady or whatever other fucking band for kids, and the kids were singing along to it and what not.  Fuck off.  We, grown ups, love the discordant tunes and lyrics because they bear some meaning to us – sorry, the bore a certain meaning to us when they were released – and it rebels against the saccharin pop of the rest of the stupid universe. If your kid likes it, he’s probably an imbecile. Kids don’t know any better, and if they do, they have an inate appreciating for music thats melodic and fun.  That means top 40 pop.  That means shit like the Black Eyed Peas or Katy Perry.  Fucking deal with it.  Don’t tell me that you played your 3 year-old your Jesus And Mary Chain “Psychocandy” CD and he loved all the fuzz.  If my kids told me they liked the new Flaming Lips record, I’d take ‘em right to the doctor to see what was wrong with them. Knock it the fuck off, you pretentious shitheads.