[Originally posted October 2010]

When talking about your favorite teams, you use the pronoun “we”. What do you mean “we”, white man? “We can’t get the job done in the red zone.” “We have awesome rebounding.” Really, asshole? Like you’ve actually got a hand in how your stupid team are shitting the bed on the 20-yard line. How many balls did you strip off Shaq last night? Much as I’d like to attribute your team’s failure to you, nothing you have done, can do, or will do will have any impact on how your stupid team does on the field. Stop inserting yourself into your sports team. They do all the hard work, you sit in front of your TV stuffing your fat face with an oversized Papa John’s and Miller Lite. So knock it off with the “we” bullshit.
Your teams are the Dallas Cowboys, the New York Yankees, the L.A. Lakers, AND the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Are you fucking kidding me? And I’ll wager you don’t live anywhere near Dallas, New York, Los Angeles, or South Bend. But that sure as hell can’t stop you from hopping on every imaginable bandwagon. And my God, do you ride that goddamn bandwagon. You’ll take every opportunity to shove it down everyone else’s throat and make goddamn sure that everyone knows what super-awesome team you back. You’ve hedged your bets in every possible way to make sure you’re the exact opposite of an Oakland fan. Well, congratulations, you are why shit restaurants put cheddar cheese on ribeye steaks. Think about it.
You’re a transplant, and you’re the biggest fan of the city in which you live. I have a friend from Detroit who now lives in New York. He’s lived in New York forever. And he is the single sports fan for whom I have the highest regard. Why? Because he is the most unrepentant Lions, Tigers, and Pistons fan. Think about that for a second. In 2008, he spent every weekend waving the Lions flag. Oh-and-sixteen, and he never gave up. The next year, he was unwavering and came back for more. That’s balls, that’s a proper goddamn fan. Not like you. Because you moved to L.A. from Ohio or whatever shithole you crawled out of, and you’re now the biggest Laker fan next to Jack. Or worse, you move to New York and you’re now a Jets or Mets fan. Like you actually chose – willing chose – to back the sporting abominations that are the Jets or the Mets.  Which means you’re guilty of not just shitty loyalty, but also of ridiculously poor judgement.  Is there any way you could be more full of shit?