[Originally posted November 2010]

dumb car sticker

Those stupid oval Euro stickers. This shit has got to stop. They were meant to be some sort of poncy badge of honor you stuck on the rear end of your silly Ford Cortina to show that you’ve had the privilege of blasting up and down the intracontinental highways around Europe (re: “well traveled”). Now, you’ve got every other halfwit putting these stickers on the backs of their cars to boast of places that a) no one gives a shit about, b) aren’t even proper towns but probably like some school or some movement, and c) is probably about 5 minutes from where you live. What exactly are you trying to tell me when I pull up behind you? That you’ve been to Block Island? Big fucking deal, so has everyone else. That your annoying kid goes to some prissy, wank school? That somehow you’ve got some insufferable European pretense about you’re just so excited about? Relax, we already know that from that shitty overpriced Volkswagen you call an Audi. A gran turismo does not involve you getting into your car, driving down to the local drugstore, buying one of these stickers and affixing it to your car. It’s stupid, your car looks stupid, you look stupid, and you’re making your kids who are sitting in the back look stupid. Leave these stupid stickers to the Europeans. In fact, the Europeans are way past it all – they don’t even use these stupid stickers to show off anymore. They now leave that to the retarded suburban douchebags who live across the Atlantic.

But the worst – the worst! – is that oval sticker pictured above. I once saw that in Yonkers on the back of some bullshit Japanese SUV, and it if wasn’t for me having my own kids in the back of my car, I’d have been seriously tempted to do a hit-and-run. I mean, it’s enough of a poor decision that you’re driving around some shit car, but you actually go the extra mile and boast your fandom of Dave-goddamn-Matthews Band, arguably one of the shittiest acts in human history with an even shittier oval Euro sticker? Is there anything more unlistenable than Dave Matthews? Is there some competition for the biggest asshole in the world that you’re winning and this was the trump card you decided to deal?

snail road crossing

Passive aggressive pedestrians at a crosswalk. Don’t fucking run onto the street at a zebra crossing only to slow to a snail’s pace crossing the street. What is that, some kind of retarded power trip? Oooh, you have the power to stop traffic. How hollow is your day life that you’re getting a thrill out of holding up traffic while you do something as mundane and inconsequential as crossing the stupid street? It’s one thing if you’re slow because you’re burdened with 15 bags of groceries, or if you’re 85. I get that. But you’re not, are you. You’re just some passive aggressive little shithead who thinks that the zebra crossing is some municipal weapon laid out for you to get back at the man. What. The fuck. Move on so I don’t have to run you over.

Bush dog driving

Douchebags who drive with dogs on their lap. That is not some weird-ass metaphor. I mean that literally. I have a dog, and I like my dog. I have a car, and I like driving that car. But at no point have I ever thought to myself, “Hey, I like driving, and I like my dog… how can I put these two things together and have an absolute blast?” It takes a enormous fuckwit to think that driving with a dog on your lap is a good idea. Because when you’re operating a 4,000 lb. machine, that’s the best time to put your dog’s anus directly in your face and ensure that his fluffy mass makes seeing and steering as challenging as possible. Are you actually trying to teach that dog to drive, is that what this is about? Or are you so attached to your mangy mutt that if you end up in a fiery car crash – and you will – you want to make sure that Fido goes up in flames with you so that you two will forever be united in doggie hell. I hope your stupid dog jumps out the window onto oncoming traffic.

I saw something last night that make my head explode. Some 300 lb. sow puttering around in a Smart car – how she stuffed herself in there is beyond me, but I credit superior German engineering for the Smart car not disintegrating as she wedged herself in there – with a doberman on her lap. Stop for a minute and picture this horror show on wheels. An obese woman. In a peanut of a car. With a doberman on her lap. I can’t make this shit up, I’m not that creative. And that’s why my head exploded.

Riding against traffic

Cyclists who ride against traffic. Anyone who rides a bike towards oncoming traffic should end up as a hood ornament. I ride bikes. I love riding bikes. I have nine bikes, that how much I like riding bikes. And when I ride my bike – which is a vehicle, whether you like it or not – I ride it on the same side of the road as every other bloody vehicle out there. And I ride it on the road. Not on the sidewalk. On the fucking road. In the same direction as traffic.

It’s simple. If you’re riding in traffic, you ride along with traffic. This isn’t like running where you go against traffic. Because when you’re on your feet, you can get out of the way whole lot faster than you can on your stupid bike, I guaranfuckingtee you. How do I know this? Because you’re a big enough dumbass to ride against traffic. Which tells me that you’re pretty much useless on your bike. And unless you’re dressed head-to-toe in black, riding a black bike with no lights at two in the morning on a road with no street light, calm the fuck down, other drivers will see you and drive around you. If I have to get out of the way to avoid you, I’m doing so onto oncoming traffic, shithead. I get to choose when and how to avoid you, not the other way ‘round. My car’s bigger. I win on this one.