[Originally posted December 2010]

Spend one long weekend at home, load it up with a bunch of football on TV, and it’s remarkable just how much TV one can actually watch in one sitting.  For me, at least.  I loathe just about everything on TV so sitting still for anything longer than 15 minutes in front of the TV is kind of a big deal for me.  But then again, when there’s football on TV, and it’s not the Browns or the Rams, what’s not to love, right?

Well, the gluttony of shit TV commercials, for one.  That’s hardly new or interesting, though: an overwhelming amount of TV spots are awful, even the least discerning viewer knows that.  By and large, 99% of spots on TV range from dreadfully dull to plain horrific.  This is a bell curve that is heavily weighted to one end of the scale.  Heavily.

So for me, one of the things that tips a TV spot from “ugh” to “holy shit, that was sofa king terrible!” is the really awful music these creative guys choose.  Or rather, lazily hinge their tepid creative work on because what better way to punch up your shit commercial than with a pop song that everyone knows, right?  God, some of you creatives are a lazy, lazy lot.

Just look at the shitheads who decided that Train’s terrible “Hey Soul Sister” should be the theme song for all of Samsung’s U.S. campaign work?  (Granted, not a holiday spot, but I thought I’d start somewhere.)

OK, I’ll admit that I was entranced for this song over the summer when I was at the MLB All-Star Game out in Anaheim, and Train were the opening act for the Home Run Derby.  I didn’t really know Train from a hole in the wall, and I thought this song was actually sung by some other awful band or singer.  But when the guitar player busted out a ukulele, I thought, “hey, I could play this song”, so I ran out (not right there and then, of course – I was in the middle of the friggin’ Home Run Derby!) and bought a ukulele.  It took me 30 minutes to learn the ukulele, another 10 to learn “Hey Soul Sister”, and another 12 seconds to realize that this song sucks ass.  Holy shit, what a douchebag I was.  I’ve still not stopped punching myself in the face for thinking this song was any good.

And then this weekend rolled around, it’s colder than a penguin’s taint outside, everyone in the house is sick as a dog, so I’m stuck inside watching tons of football.  And these two spots ran ad nauseum, and made me so happy.  I only wish they’d run in the same commercial pod:

You can picture these two different agencies having a go at coming up with up with these spots, can’t you.  Two separate and individual groups of numbskulls rocking out to Vampire Weekend, each thinking how clever it would be to use the song “Holiday” for their winter campaigns.  “Dude, it’s gonna be sooo cool using Vampire Weekend in our new spots.  And, and… it’s called ‘Holiday’, how cool is that, bro!  We’re fucking geniuses!”   I’m just digging the hilarity of two different marketers thinking they’re so clever in licensing this “Holiday” song, then having their spots crashing together on air like two massive turd-shaped dirigibles.  Kill yourselves now for being the lazy hacks that you are.

And speaking of lazy hacks working on car commercials, bravo to the rocket scientists who thought that putting that atrocious Pomplamoose in their campaign would be a good idea.

I don’t care how beloved on the internet they seem to be – they’re annoying and that girl gives me the fucking creeps.  Nevermind the fact that a bunch of folks in adland actually thought that leveraging some shitty music act – whose claim to fame is based on pointless covers of awful top 40 songs – would resonate with the masses.  If you’re not looking up videos of cats walking on two legs or Keanu Reeves memes, how the fuck would two freaks be even remotely meaningful to you?  And if you don’t recognize them, then all you’re seeing is pretty much two imbeciles singing Christmas songs in that bizarre fashion that makes creative people think they’re being very clever by showing you quirky shit.  To the masses, all you’ve done is successfully associated this shitty car with a couple weirdo morons.  Did I mention that the girl gives me the heebie-jeebies with her glassy dead eyes?

Happy holidays, assholes, you lot make me hate my TV more than I already do.