[Originally posted October 2010]

Cuffed jeans. When I was in college, there was this really ridiculous trend where dudes would overlap the bottom of their jeans, then roll up a cuff.  I have no idea if there’s a name for this, nor I really don’t care.  But I care less for the fact that it’s made a comeback.  All over town, I see these douchebags with their cuffed jeans.  And I’m not talking about big wide cuffs.  I’m talking about small, tight cuffs, like the elastic band around the ankles of your sweatpants.  What is this shit?  Do you ford rivers and you’re trying to keep the leeches out?   Roll down your jeans, shithead.  And it’s worse when you cuff your skinny jorts.  In fact, lose the skinny jorts altogether.  That’s another really awful article of clothing that’s pissing me off.  Jorts – are fucking kidding me?!

Scarves indoors. You’re not wearing that scarf for what it was intended, are you?  So now you’re basically a neck accessory poseur.  Is nothing too trivial for you to perpetuate your irritating pretention?  Few things are more annoying than when I have to meet with people, and we’re indoors, and they show up wearing stupid scarves around their necks, and I keep thinking that they’re in some kind of rush to leave because, hell they’ve got their scarves on so they must be getting ready to go outside.  But they’re not.  They just sit there with their stupid scarves wrapped around their stupid necks.  And the longer they sit there with those stupid scarves, the more I want to tighten them.  I don’t need to see your ridiculous neck, I just need you to not hide it so conspicuously.

Dudes with totes. What could you possibly be lugging around that it can’t fit into a simple messenger bag, or at worse, a large backpack?  Totebags are for the beach.  And my mom.  Big canvas buckets with handles in which you can easily throw all your shit – and your kids’ shit – into as you wrestle with these kids getting from one place to the next.  Not to carry around some limited press Serge Gainsbourg LP which you picked up from some bullshit flea market in Williamsburg. Plus, you don’t even have kids. And you look like a complete tool carrying that totebag around.  Get yourself a proper bag that doesn’t make me want to wrap your head in it and push you into oncoming traffic.

Shit I shouldn’t need to tell you about:

Popped collars. Really?  Are you serious?  Do you have a poster of James Spader on your bedroom wall?  It’s been thirty fucking years.  Let it go, douchebag.

Trilby hats. I have waited in vain for about 10 years now for assholes from all walks of life to grow tired of wearing their stupid trilby hats.  Or porkpies.  Or whatever other brimmed headwear that’s not a baseball hat.  I honestly thought it was a quick and passing retarded fad, so I couldn’t be bothered to get riled up over it.  But now it’s been going on for way too long and there seems to be no shortage of schmucks who somehow still think that this whole trilby hat thing is still working for them.  It’s not. Your hat makes you look like a douchetard.  It’s sticking out the top of your head like some peculiarly colored beacon, as if to alert me from afar of an incoming asshole whom I’d really enjoy throat-punching.