So let me get this straight: the New York Auto Show rolls around like it does every year, and just like every year, it’s a hacky festival of some of the dullest shit known to man and no one – NO ONE – seems to have the balls to do anything about it.  Do I have that right?  Got it.  Bravo.

I’m not entirely clear why I fucking bother with my love for cars anymore.  It’s all shit now.  Yes, I give a shit about things like multi-clutch systems, paddleshifting gearboxes, screaming V10 engines (RIP V10s, I hate that you were just a fad), and all sorts of clever shit that go into road cars as a result of motorsports (thanks to some bizarre curiosity I can’t explain, I’m still waiting for the continuous variable transmission to catch on).  But let’s face it, when it comes to a new season of new car shit, we’re all judging books by their covers.

Which is why the Chrysler 300 seems have taken the least amount of work to go the furthest to annoy the living shit out of me.  First things first: let’s establish the fact that I have, from day one, believed that Chrysler are complete shite.  Apart from the Dodge Viper, this retarded car company have put more effort into underachievement than almost any other company I can think of.  Everything from Chrysler is shit.  Go ahead, I fucking triple dog dare you to name one fucking product from this stupid company that can’t easily be trumped comfortably by a foreign competitor.

By no means does this suggest that I think the other Yank car companies are any good.  95% of Yank cars are atrocious.  And I need to work really hard to figure out the 5% that aren’t.

And with the 300, they’ve plunged to new depths of automotive sewage sediment.  And here I thought that the 200 that they boasted in the Super Bowl was the single-most bloated expression of vacuous bravado: they actually wanted us to believe that Eminem, hip-hop extraordinaire, was driving around in some criminally-awful sales rep car.  Some tepid piece of shit that’s managed to excited a population of precisely zero, a car you wouldn’t even know existed if you weren’t forced to rent it at an area Avis because they don’t stock Razor scooters.

And here at cusp of the New York Auto Show, Chrysler unapologetically launch the 300.  A car with a thoroughly embarrassing near-term past: playing the part of as a very poor and completely laughable Rolls Royce Phantom knock-off.  In that fine knock-off tradition, they’ve now set their sights on blatantly trying to mimic another foreign marque to create yet another humiliating facsimile: Audi.

If you ever ran into anyone even partially responsible for bringing the Chrysler 300 to market, would ever stop punching him in the face?  This car is so thoroughly derivative from a styling standpoint I’m actually offended.  Not as a person with any equitable stake in the company, but as person with a functioning pair of eyes.   What the fuck, you creatively bankrupt set of underachieving perennial losers.  If nothing else, I’d like to thank you for two things:

  1. For unintentionally living up to your “Imported from Detroit” bullshit asshole tagline in your advertising creative
  2. For serving as the Hyundai of America

Hyundai: that’s another company that deserves to be cockpunched repeatedly.  If I were Germany, I’d fucking invade Korea already.  On grounds of good taste.  It’d be a fucking breeze, too, I’ll bet.  How fucking dare you take some cut-rate piece of shit car, and throw a Mercedes front end with a BMW rear end on it, slap on a name with Biblical connotations as if that would exonerate your transgressions, and think that you can call it a day?  How fucking dare you.  How dare you perpetuate the idea that the Far East is only ever good for embarrassingly shoddy knock-offs.  (Granted, I do concede that this last point may actually be true – and I have the crappy watches to prove it).  And the fact that these guys have turned the art of knocks-offs into a quantifiable business model seems to give permission to all these other car marques – like Chrysler – to simply put their pencils down and go, “Fuck it, let’s just ask a class of kindergarteners to draw us a copy of that European car and have them take it down to the factory.  And if we hurry, we can still make happy hour at Applebee’s.”

And I’ll bet that’s exactly how this Chrysler 300 was born.