I was in a bar at Harvard Square recently – the well-known, well-loved Grendel’s Den.  I hadn’t been to this place in about 15 years, since the missus was going to school in the area.

On two chalkboards – one behind and one above the bar – they have a list all the beers have they.  And a brief of beers that they don’t – Coors Light, Miller Light, Bud, you get the idea.  And the list ended with the phrase, “BASTA”.  Not knowing what it meant, I enquired of our skinny, bearded, saggy-jeaned super-hipster barkeep.  “BASTA, it’s a Spanish-Mediterranean acronym meaning, “Enough!”  Whatever, jerkoff.  “Enough”, as in, enough with the piss-poor brews for the unwashed masses.  Of course that’s what it’d mean.  For fuck’s sake.

While I agree with the general sentiment of striking the Buds and Coors and Millers off this earth, I shudder to think of what I’m left with as an alternative.

And that’s because 99% of the beers out there are complete and utter shite.  Thoroughly undrinkable.

It’s just that the age of good and simple seems long gone.  Make it good, and make it simple.  I like a proper lager.  Just something simple, something not terribly foamy, something with a nice crisp bite to it, and something that’s yellow.  Not amber, not brown, not pale, not clear, not muddy, not red, not magenta, not mauve, not caramel, not black and fucking tan.

And I want it taste like beer.  Not chocolate, not oatmeal, not gooseberries, not apples, not lime, not honey, not bubblegum, not bread, not muffins, not cheese, not walnuts, not bacon, not clams, not anise, not mint, nothing but fucking beer.  I mean, what is it with putting extra shit into beer that makes it taste anything other than beer?  That’s like going into a store to buy a pair of sneakers and the sneakers come with a pashmina sown to it because they think you’d probably like that, too.  Fuck off.

Which means that if I order a beer that’s not fruit flavored, please don’t fucking put a slice of orange or lemon in it.  If I wanted a beer with fruit in it, I’d have ordered a fruit-flavored beer.  In which case, I wouldn’t have ordered it at all because fruit-flavored beers are for wankers who don’t like beer, and I fucking love beer.  Beer with no fruit.  So please stop forcing your rancid orange slices which your disgusting fingers have been fondling all night into my beer – just because it’s summer – asshole barkeep.

I don’t need my beer extra hoppy, whatever the hell that means.  Extra hops – what am I, the Easter Bunny?

And stop with the stupid fancy glass you insist on pouring my beer into.  Beer into a proper pint glass, thank you.  The sort with the slight bulge around near the top would be nice.  No fucking stemware for beer, you hear me.  Fuck you, Stella, Sam Adams, and whatever other fucking beer company that insists that their beer gets poured into these fucking ridiculous glasses on the pretense that they boost the flavor their beers or something.  Fuck you, if your beer needs a stupid-looking glass to be palatable, you’ve failed at brewing it right the first time.  What a crock of shit.  Pint glasses.  Full stop.

And about that pint glass, here’s another irritating trait amongst Stateside barkeeps – the consistent inability to fill that pint glass right to the brim.  These fuckers will fill the glass and leave about half an inch of space from the top.  What is that space for, assholes?  It’s a pint glass, you’re supposed to be serving me a pint of beer, if you don’t fill it to the top, you’re not serving a full pint of beer.  If I wanted 9/10ths of a pint, I’d have asked for 9/10ths of a pint.  Or they’d make smaller glasses.  But they didn’t.  They made pint glasses.  Fill it to the top, assholes!

Case in point, look at this fucking beer:

I know it’s a Leffe, and yes, Leffe is usually delicious.  But holy crap, everything about that beer right now screams asshole.