Breadcrumbs on seafood. For whatever reason, summer time hits and we’re all suddenly devouring exponentially more seafood, ever notice that?  And I’ll bet you half of what your order will have these fucking breadcrumbs on them.  What exactly do these stupid breadcrumbs do other than act like a grease sponge to burn the roof of your mouth? They don’t taste like anything other than the grease and butter they’re holding together. And if you’re making seafood and you’re inept enough to not know how to properly season the seafood and have to resort of crumbled bit of stale bread or worse, desiccated toasted polystyrene pretending to be breadcrumbs in tin, then you’re pretty much the biggest imbecile who’s ever wandered into a kitchen on purpose.  Get the fuck out.  And take your stupid breadcrumbs with you.

Vacation days. My number of days off have become little more than useless badges of honor.  They’re about as useful as Foursquare badges.  Each year, I have a shedload of vacation days. I make it a point to haggle for the maximum number of vacation days… and to what end? Do I really take all those days off? Like fuck I do. I’m like a holiday hoarder. If you came to my house, you’d look under the couch and find a vacation day, look in the attic, you’ll find vacation days stacked in piles, in the basement, vacation days are bound and gag.. wait, nevermind that last bit. Either way, vacation days are wasted on me.

Stock tickers on TV.  Who the fuck is watching this shit?  Yes, finance is not my world, and I have barely any idea what goes on in that world, but in this day and age, doesn’t a running ticker of stock on TV seem like complete waste of time and space?  If you were really that keen on tracing a stock, aren’t there a thousand apps on your phone or computer that’ll get you exactly what you need without staring at the TV and waiting for the stock to flash by?  It’s fucking retarded.

Raising your kid to be a Jets and/or Mets fans.  First of all, that is your cross to bear, not the kids’.  Don’t put that evil on them, what’s the matter with you.  You have already experienced a lifetime’s worth of grief, pain, disappointment, tears, teeth-gnashing, and an endless supply of failure.  Two lifetimes if you’re a fan of both the Jets and the Mets.  Isn’t that enough suffering for two generations?  Why the fuck would you put your kids through that horror?  What does this do other than teach your kids that the world fucking blows year-round, and that everyone else is better than them?  Not only is it completely pointless, I’d actually classify this as child abuse.  You must hate your kid.

This:A friend recently shared this band with me.  I gave it a good, earnest listen.  Three minutes in, I punched a kitten and set my car on fire.

“Sent from my iPad” or “Sent from my iPhone”.  Really, who gives a fuck.  What do I care what fucking device you’re using to send your email.  If you don’t put that as your sign-off in your emails, are people going to wonder how the fuck they received that email from you?  Holy shit, how the fuck did Chad send this email!  He’s left no clue on what type of device he used to send me this message!  Was it on a PC?  Surely it couldn’t have been a Nokia phone.  Maybe he sent it from a waffle iron.  Why would Chad do a thing like that?  Oh my God, Chad, is everything alright?!  Please, PLEASE tell me what device you’re emailing me from!  Chad is douche.

Veggie wash.  I saw this at the grocery store this weekend, and nearly threw it at a manager as he was walking by.  What in the name of all that is holy is fucking “veggie wash”?  Of all the completely pointless products with which we flood the market and on which we needlessly spend cash, there is now a packaged product to wash your vegetables.  When the fuck did water become obsolete?  And if you look closely at the package, it tells you that it’s “made from organic citrus”.  Brilliant, so we’re using fruit to wash our vegetables now.  Next, I think I shall be using a speedboat to wash my car next weekend.  WTF.

 

Cases for white iPhones.  Isn’t the whole point of getting an incredibly naff looking white iPhone the fact that it’s a garish, conspicuous white iPhone?  If you’ve got the balls to actually buy one, then fucking own the fact that you have a white iPhone.  You waited all these years for a stupid white iPhone and you then try to cover it up with a case?  I have a friend who has a bought a carbon fiber case for his white iPhone.  That is arguably the douchiest move ever – covering up your rather fey device with an obnoxious overcompensating technofabulous fiber-woven shell.

Sunglasses on head… at night.  You know the look.  Do I really need to get into this?  It’s a stupid look.

Superhero deaths.  I just read that Spider-Man is dead.  I don’t mean yet another actor from the Broadway play, I mean the character in comic books.  Spider-Man, Peter Parker, dead as a doornail.  Ain’t that some shit.  Especially since I also just read that Spider-Man had joined the Fantastic Four.  Well, aren’t they going to bummed out.  Regardless, every time a superhero gets killed in the comics, nerds make a big fucking deal about it.  Oooh, he’s dead, now everything changes.  Fuck you, just sit it out by playing your World Of Warcraft, and in about six months, your stupid superhero will be resurrected.  No one ever fucking stays dead in comic books.  Deaths are the May sweeps of comic books.