1.  Kevin Youkilis’ stupid batting stance.  What the fuck is that?  You’re supposed to be swinging a fucking bat, not pretending to be some baseball unicorn.  Just grip the fucking bat firmly with both hands like everyone other fucking normal baseball player with pretentious wanker.  What you don’t see in this picture is his footwork – he looks like he has to pee on home plate.  Nice going, Youkilis, you look like a bearded unicorn with an overactive bladder.  What a douche.


2.  The green monster.  This is a bullshit structure.  If you must have something in the outfield, why the fuck would you choose some fucking wall.  Other ballparks (albeit newer ones) have interesting things in the outfield – the Angels have a cool-looking waterfall, the Diamondbacks have a pool (which is actually a quite stupid), what the fuck do the stupid Red Sox have: a stupid large green wall that artificially denies home runs.

3.  Saltalamacchia is a needlessly long name.

4.  Excessive number of players with stupid facial hair.  Leading the Atlanta Braves by a hair.  Mullets are always welcomed, half the team have stupid looking goatees, and David Ortiz’s has a facial topiary that’s like a Rorschach test.  Dudes who put that much effort into sculpting their beards need to have their balls extracted.

5.  David Ortiz is a crybaby.  A very large, intimidating, and irrational crybaby: David Ortiz Wants His Fucking RBI.

Play ball, bitches!  God, I pray the Yankees teabag the Red Sox this coming weekend.