Fish.    Fish as a species are pretty much the dogshit creatures of the animal kingdom when it cames to names.  Fish scientists are by far the laziest motherfuckers in the world.  ‘Cause I can’t think of another animal in the world that is so persistently named after other animals.  Fish get no fucking respect.  What fish is that?  It’s a dogfish.  It’s a catfish.  It’s a parrotfish.  It’s a lionfish.  It’s a cougarfish (that last one might not actually be a proper fish).  Why the fuck can’t these fish get their own names, rather than being named after another animal?  Is it ever reciprocated?  Anyone ever hear of a sharkbat?  Of course you haven’t.  Because land animal scientists aren’t the lazy pieces of shit that fish scientists are.  Though, a sharkbat sounds scary as hell.  Thing is, it’s not that a sharkbat doesn’t exist.  It could.  It’s just that no one actually named an animal a sharkbat.  That would be the most bad ass scientist in the world if he/she went around naming land animals after bitchin’ fish.  And I don’t mean just for minor league baseball teams.

“Never Forget”.    If anyone so much as hints at disrespecting anything to do with the 9/11, I won’t think twice about punching them square in the mouth.  I may be short and quite a bit out of shape, but I won’t put up with that shit.  I’d take on Rashard Mendenhall AND Jessie Ventura, I don’t give a shit.  But what I really want to smack someone up side the head for is this completely pointless term that’s repeated parrot-like every fucking September: “Never Forget”.  What the fuck.  Do you really feel anyone – anyone on earth – is at risk of forgetting what happened on the 11th of September 2001?  Like any person is going to wake up on the morning of 11th day of September one year and say, “oh shit, I forgot it was 9/11!” like it was their wife’s birthday or something.  “9/11?  Remind again what that is, I can’t remember…”  Is there a more pointless sentiment to what is otherwise a massively important and forever tragic milestone in world history?  The same way Mayor Bloomberg wants to get rid of the term “Ground Zero”, can we please knock this shit off with the “Never Forget” bullshit?  Calm the fuck down, dipshit, no one’s gonna forget.  Ever.

Commander-In-Chief.    I realized this weekend – what a completely gratuitous term it is.  Fine, he’s the president, he’s the boss, he calls the shots, we all fucking get it.  Does he have to be referred to as “Commander-In-Chief”?  Wouldn’t “commander” suffice?  Or “chief”?  What’s the redundancy for, if not to further pummel it into someone’s head that he’s the goddamn boss.  Is there ever a commander who isn’t the proverbial “chief”?  Might as well go all the way then.   How about “Super-Duper-Supreme-Commander-In-Chief-Boss-Master-Blaster”?  That’ll do nicely.

Fantasy sports.    Fantasy sports are ruining my life.  Every fucking sport has a fantasy aspect to it now.  Even F1, for fuck’s sake.  Every pundit discussion is littered with how outcomes affect your fantasy football or fantasy baseball game.  Fuck that noise.  At least they had the decency to actually call it “fantasy”, because that’s all it is – playing Dungeons and Dragons with athletes.  You might as well arm Mark Texeira with a fiery sword.  Or maybe James Harrison can cast spells on Roger Goodell so that he can still rack up points during a suspension.  Fuckin’ hell, nerds ruin everything.