By now, Ron Jaworski’s on-air “shit” remark on Monday Night Football is old news.  I hate the fact that it was even worth noting.  I’ll admit that even I tweeted about it the minute it happened.  I hate that we’ve had such puritanical standards pounded into us that certain everyday words that we hear get mentioned unintentionally on TV and we all react to it.  Who the hell doesn’t say “shit” in real life, for fuck’s sake.

The thing about it is, it wasn’t a forced “shit”.  Jaworski really got into the game – as he should – and started speaking his mind like a real person.

“Shit, you have to get rid of this ball just a split-second quicker.”  Too fucking right, Ron.  You fucking tell that shithead Michigan quarterback.  (Yes, I know that “shithead” is completely redundant when talking about a “Michigan quarterback”.)

Then I got an idea.  Probably not the first person in the world to come up with this idea, but who cares.

I’d pay a premium to be able to watch games – any game, most of all football ‘cause shit’s always happening – that carried R-rated commentating.  Imagine being able to choose between two simultaneous feeds: one that abides by our stupid broadcasting standards – say on ESPN – and another one that lets the commentators loose, as if you were in a bar with your buddies – let’s call it something like ESPN-R.  (Maybe The Ocho!  Finally, a reason to actually properly set up ESPN 8!)

But you’ve gotta do it right.  You can’t have swearing for the sake of swearing.  That shit’ll get tired in about a minute.  Maybe less.  It’s not about a bunch of guys on the air screaming profanity every 7 seconds.  It’s gotta be real, it’s gotta be genuine.  Anyone who listens to Howard Stern knows what I’m talking about.  It’s not even about the swearing, that’s almost secondary.  It’s about the brutal honesty of the commentary, the ability to follow a “real life” commentary.  When Jaworski prefaced his comment with “shit”, he was being real, that’s how the man talks.  That’s how people talk.

It’s a sad state of affairs, but if I have to pay a premium to listen to some sense of authenticity in my sports commentating, I’d do it.

Picture this: On or two NFL games a week – make them night games (so that’s NBC and/or ESPN, they’ll have to work something out), for the sake of “family”.  You put a bunch of comics in a booth, sports fandom not a requirement: Artie Lange, Norm Macdonald, and Louis CK, for example.  And you let them at it.   And each other.   Who gives a shit if they don’t do a play-by-play.  (Why the fuck do we need play-by-play commentary anyway?  Just fucking watch the game and you’ll know who did what to whom.)  But when Romo gets pounded into ground again, your commentators should be allowed to call him a fucking asshole and rip him a new one.  When Mark Sanchez throws his fifth interception is a game, Artie talks about how Plaxico Burress had better aim in a NY nightclub.  That sort of shit.  But way funnier (and cruder) ’cause I’m no comic, and they are.

The commentators get to say whatever the hell they want.

And here’s a bonus feature – live bets during the game.  You get to place bets against the commentators.  Do it all online.  The commentators make up the bets.  You put in your bet and it’s up to the commentators to take your bet or not.  Imagine all the shit you can bet on.  The over-under on Cam Newton yardage.  Whether or not Ndamukong Suh successfully detaches someone’s head from his shoulders.  Does Ochocinco make more than 2 catches.

Profanity AND gambling.  Unless your TV is built into a clown car filled with strippers, hauling a keg of PBR, this is likely the best TV your money can buy.

Do it.