People fucking love Dos Caminos.  You mention it and people’s mouths water, they gush with delight and quiver with anticipation.  The way fanboy shitheads camp out for days in front of Apple stores when some new bullshit device goes on sale (we should use such opportunities to irradiate these wankers and sterilize them).

Anyway, back to Dos Caminos.  I’ve decided that Dos Caminos is a piece of shit restaurant.

First of all, they act like they’re some fancy pants restaurant, offering me sparkling water or what not.  You’re a fucking chain restaurant, dipshit.  Calm the fuck down with the fizzy water act.  But it’s not the fizzy water, per se.  It’s the way the pretentious waiters offer me this sparkling water.  Like they’re all hot shit.  Like I said: calm down, you’re a chain restaurant.  You’re like a pricier Chevy’s.

But whatever, it’s not like they’re the only mediocre restaurant with pretentious service.  I believe PF Chang’s invented the genre – “Wow, this $25 kung pow chicken isn’t just tasty, it’s faaancy!”  Fuck off, PF Chang.

Anyway, the source of my despise is the way these fuckers at Dos Caminos lie to me every fucking time I go there.

A couple of months ago, I popped into the one on 14th Street for dinner with a client.  It started out fine – everyone got margaritas, I went straight to sampling tequilas neat (my best decision of the night).  I will concede that they have some mega tequilas.  Anyway, I ordered a grilled shrimp quesadilla for my dinner.  After a lengthy wait, the quesadilla shows up.  Except it’s not a quesadilla.  It fails in every aspect of being a quesadilla.  The basic construct of a quesadilla is pretty hard to fuck up.  It’s a grilled cheese sandwich made with tortillas, isn’t it.  Anything else between the two tortillas is a bonus.

Except my dinner arrived looking like this (not my actual dinner, I nicked this off Google Images):

ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT A QUESADILLA?!!  Where the hell is my tortilla lid!  That is a goddamn pizza, motherfucker.  A pizza!  When I asked where the rest of my quesadilla was, the pretentious son of a bitch waiter told me “that’s how we make them.”  Well, you’re making it wrong, dickhead.  I wanted to tell him to have the chef look up what a quesadilla was, but I was done sampling their tequila collection and wasn’t really in the mood for tequila-spit mixer.

Then I paid a visit to the Dos Caminos on Park Avenue today.  Oddly, this morning I was taking one of my kids to school and we got talking about fish tacos (I have no idea why, you just do).  Over lunch, I glanced at the menu and saw yellowfin tuna tacos.  Fancy shmancy fish tacos!  Garcon, an order for me and my client (same client as before, coincidentally)!  I’m famished, and I’m reveling in the prospect of my pescetarian tacos ‘cause I’d had it on my mind since early morning.  Lucky!

And something like this shows up (again, not my actual meal – I nicked this off Google Images as well)

Those are some impressive-looking tacos, aren’t they.  They would be.  Except you forgot the fucking tacos, you assholes.  I mean, seriously.  What the fuck is this shit?!  Like the quesadilla, in what fucking universe is that a taco?  That looks like Boba Fett after 1,000 years in the belly of the Sarlacc.  I called my waiter back…

“Pardon me, but we ordered tacos.”

“Yes, these are the yellowfin tacos.”

“They’re not what we were expecting.”

“Oh, that’s because these are tacos wrapped in lettuce.”

“That’s not a taco.”

I can’t believe they could fucked up tacos.  Tacos are a very simple concept.  It’s one thing only.  It’s not like bacon – is it regular bacon, or Canadian bacon, or Kevin Bacon; it makes a difference. Bullshit, a taco is a taco is a taco.  A taco is wrapped in a tortilla, no ifs, ands, or buts.  You can’t toss some sliced-up seared tuna on top of a bed of lettuce leaves and a bean salad and call it a goddamn taco.  What kind of bullshit is that?   That’s fucking ridiculous.

So, suck it, Dos Caminos.   You can fuck off, I’m done with your bullshit “Mexican” asshole food.  The next time I want a bullshit taco, I’m gonna stop the Good Humor man and get a choco taco.  At least it is what is says it is.