Anyone else feel like this bullshit’s gone on long enough?  At first, I was intrigued, then that quickly turned into being annoyed (surprise, surprise), and now, I’m just fucking bored with the whole thing.

Thing is, I respect and understand that protests and revolutions have played a massive part in shaping the course of this country I now call home.  And I admire that.  Where I come from, halfway around the world, if you so much as think any dissenting thought, you get locked up and are never heard from again.  Now, that’s a fucked up situation to be in.  Which is why I fought tooth and nail to stay in this country – legitimately, mind you! – after I graduated from college.  There was no fucking way I was going back to that retarded shithole country in which I was born.  Fuck that.

But I digress.

Protests and revolutions.  Listen, I realize that there were a lot of gamechanging revolts that made this country better.  I honest-to-goodness appreciate that.  But to be blunt and shallow about it, I never witnessed any of them, the injustices never really affected me directly, so it’s a bit hard to properly relate to them.  A lot of shit went down in the ’50s and ‘60s.  I wasn’t born then – those were someone else’s battles to fight.

For me, when I think protest, strikes, and the like, I think of union brie makers in France going on strike, or rail workers in Italy pissing about near the holiday season.  These things tend to become part of the annual cycle, like Easter or 4/20 Day (sidebar: have those two ever fallen on the same day?).  Some knuckleheads raise a ruckus, no trains run for a week, then some shit goes down that I don’t understand, and suddenly everything’s back to normal again.

But that’s Europe.  This sort of shit isn’t an annual affair here in the ‘Merrrrcuh.  So when shit like Occupy Wall Street – or any other Occupy movement is concerned – it’s kind of a big deal.  Most people don’t know what to do with it.  I sure as fuck don’t.  While I’ll concede to being a dumb fathead, I just don’t quite understand what the fuck this whole thing is supposed to achieve.  With protests in the past, there always seemed to be clear outcome that was sought – end a war, stop being dicks to people of color, you name it.  What’s the outcome from this Occupy horseshit?  “Hey you, stop being rich!”  What kind of asinine plan is that?

And here’s another thing.  Calling yourselves the 99% is a bit pompous and presumptive, isn’t it?  I’m not even close to being anywhere to close to the 1%, but I sure as fuck aren’t part of the fucking Occupy fuckheads.  So stop lumping me into your presumed majority.  At best, I’d say you’re about 15%.  So stop with these delusions of grandeur, you fucking wanks.

And don’t get pissed of when a bit of violence goes down when you’ve got ungoverned masses taking up public places in order to form a drum circle and braid hemp bracelets.  Especially when it goes down in Oakland.  It’s fucking Oakland, for fuck’s sake, what’d expect?!

Thing is, if the powers that be really wanted to end this Occupy Wall Street bullshit, they could do it in a heartbeat.  Beating the shit out of the occupants?  That’s going about it all wrong.  My way, you’d rid Zuccotti Park of the bearded hippie shitheads and you’d make shitloads of cash while you’re at it!  By now, you already know that MTV are casting the next season of The Real World at the Occupy Wall Street scene.  This is exactly the right thing to do, I fucking love it.  It’s a great start. But why stop there?  Go big or go the fuck home, I say.  Here’s what I want to see next:


Abercrombie & Fitch OWS shirts.  These assholes were so fucking quick to cash in on all that Jersey Shore shit (then did a genius fake about-face to try and sell even more t-shirts).  I say they start selling their overpriced shitty t-shirts with captions from signs held up at OWS.  But not just any t-shirt ’cause there already tons all over Cafe Press or Etsy, I’m sure.  No, these have to be particularly tacky and geared towards teens.  I want 12 year-old kids walking around with garish-colored t-shirts telling Bank of America to fuck off.  That’ll go over well at the country club.  But I like the fact that these Occupy Wall Street sign captions are being used to sell shitty t-shirts more.  Get to it, Fitch.   And if you’re not up to it, you’re up next, Ed Hardy.

Harold and Kumar Occupy Wall Street.  You know you’d pay good money to see this.  I know I would.  Nothing adds legitimacy to a cause like Harold and Kumar.  Shit, you know you can trust Kumar – he worked for the Obama Administration!

Home Depot’s Occupy Sale.   Nothing like a big box DIY store helping you make your stance known.  Come in for large sheets of plywood from which you can draw up massive signs.  Buy tarps which you can fashion into tents (well, you can’t just walk into an REI, can you – that’d be giving in to The Man).   Flash lights, batteries, and so on.  And when things turn violent, you can arm yourself with nail guns, power drills and big, sharp hammers.  Score!

iPad OWS Special Edition.   Awwww yeah!   Hold up your OWS sign using an iPad!  How cool would you be, you rebel you.  If Apple can do a U2-edition iPod, what’s an OWS iPad.  You wanna see these occupier shitheads abandon their ethics and morals faster than Michael Moore at a Republican beef and beer buffet fundraiser, you sell this fucking thing for a mere $99!  Because nothing says you’re raging against the corporate beast more than being a defiant, non-conformist Apple user… like everyone else.

Occupy Wall Street Video Game.  I can’t decide if this game should be like The Sims or like Grand Theft Auto.  On the one hand, playing it like The Sims would be brilliant – managing masses of drum circles, dealing with piles of shit (literally) on street corners, outbreaks of herpes, defending against the riot police.  But a Grand Theft Auto type of game could be brilliant, too.  Punching out another occupier for his weed, getting into fights with cops, stabbing a broker, setting a car on fire, the list goes on.  Whichever way it goes, I believe this whole thing needs to be exploited in a video game.  Shit, the NBA lockout’s probably got a ton of video game designers sitting around doing nothing – well, fucking get to work, you assholes.

Starbucks OWS blend.  But it can’t be coffee.  These granola-munching asshole protestors all drink tea.  I have no proof of this, but it’s a supposition I’m going with.  They all seem to be the Moby-type.  Make some special OWS tea blend, set up a stand at Zuccotti Park, and sell the shit out of this tea.  These protestors are going to start freezing their balls off soon with the inpending winter.  What better way to warm up than with a massive steaming venti of corporate tea.


Until I gain a better grasp of what these douchebags want from Wall Street, I’m employing a strict “get off my lawn” policy with these assholes.  Even if it isn’t really my lawn, and if you’re technical about it, this “lawn” owns me, my house, and probably a few other things I have.