Sorry about the title, I couldn’t be arsed to come up with a theme to cover the five things below:

 

The other week, we had lunch brought into the office – the shallow thrill of a “working lunch”! – and the countertop on which the lunch was laid out had a ton of these white cans huddled together. It took a while for me to realize that regular Coke and Diet Coke are now the same fucking color.  What packaging design whiz in Atlanta decided that this was a clever idea?  Also, was the entire legal department out on vacation that week?  Imagine the one diabetic kid who reaches for regular Coke thinking it’s a Diet Coke, then collapses into a diabetic coma?  All because of these fuckheads at Coke never once thought that making the regular and sugar-free versions of their most popular drink the same color was a poor idea.  Nevermind the diabetic kid, why the fuck are you guys making it so fucking hard for the rest of us to pick between diet and full fat?  Assholes.

 

And speaking of lunch, here is a picture of an Italian sub I picked up the other day.  Yes, that is exactly what you think it is – fake foreign newsprint used to wrap up my sandwich.  Holy shit, the print medium is so fucking dead that even real newspapers are being rejected for this highly disposable purpose.  The fact that the fake newsprint had a big “London” printed on it only served to aggravate me further – as if a fake British paper will infuse some sense of quirky “authenticity” to my hastily made sandwich.  It’s not even printed on regular paper; it’s like parchment paper.   As if to further mimic how newspapers go all translucent when the grease from the sandwich soaks into it.  Wow, just like a proper, greasy chip shop in Essex!  Kindly fuck off, sir.

 

When has the gaudy-tie-on-a-black-shirt-with-a-light-suit look ever worked for anyone?  EVER?!  Granted, the flagrant nose pick does complete the look, I will give you that.

 

This knife is the single-most loathsome thing in my kitchen.  It’ll also bring no surprise whatsoever that this is wifey’s favorite knife in our collection.  Of course.  She insists on trying using this stupid little knife with the perfectly flat edge to cut everything.  Meanwhile, THIS PIECE OF SHIT CUTS NOTHING!  Try as hard as you will, but that straight edge will fail to make a clean cut through jello.  Frankly, I have more success slicing tofu with a hammer.  Look at that stupid flat edge.  Fuck the idea that the tried and true design of having a knife edge that curves and tapers at the tip works perfectly well 99.99% of the time.  Like the big fuck-off knives that I like to use.  The sort that I’m constantly sharpening (dull kitchen knives are the assholes of the kitchen countertop).  But those just won’t do for the missus – no, she insists on keeping this useless metal stump around.  I’m quite sure it’s for the express purpose of annoying the piss out of me.


I’m quite sure that short of Uggs, these are the most retarded things you could possibly stuff your feet into.  My brother recently saw my sneakers, liked its stupid squiggly sole (like the red knife, that sole DOES NOTHING) and promptly ordered himself a pair.  Except he chose one that makes it look like he’s just trampled a dozen Smurfs to death.  Someone should take away my brother’s driving license.  Clearly he’s clinically blind.