iPad-reading pedestrians.  It’s one thing to have dipshits walking around reading the paper or some book – it’s perfectly OK to stick your foot out as you walk by to try and trip them, that’ll teach ‘em to walk and read.  It’s a whole ‘nother thing to have some pretentious wank walking around while reading his iPad.  Every time I see one of these assholes, I feel compelled to bat that precious iPad out his hands, just to see the horror on his face watching that stupid thing shatter all over the sidewalk.  This morning some girl reading her iPad walked right into my arm, and the iPad smacked her on the nose.  Soooo satisfying!

People who board subway trains before letting people off.  I’m a bit of a germaphobe when it comes to public places.  Which means I don’t fucking touch jack shit when I’m riding the subway.  I keep my hands stuffed into my pockets, or I keep my arms folded.  The latter has a brilliant benefit of mercilessly elbowing shitheads who barge into a subway car while I’m trying to leave it.  Fuck you, you’re going to wait for me get out first or you’re going to get a sharp elbow right into your goddamn sternum.  It’s too bad I’m short – I’d love to take an elbow to the face of some of these rude bargers.  Fuck ‘em.

Audi drivers.  The other day I was riding my bike and I hear a car revving hard from behind and blowing his horn repeatedly at me.  I get well fucked off with this shit – people blowing their horns at me for good fucking reason.  So I did what came instinctively – I flipped him off.  This fucking guy – in his Audi S4 – pulls up alongside me and starts scream, “HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME THE FINGER!!  MEET ME AT THE CORNER, I’M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA YOU!!”  Really, asshole?  I have a theory about Audis.  It’s like all the shithead BMW drivers give up their leases 3-4 years ago, and they all went lemming-like to Audis.  Audi drivers are the new asshats of the road.  Need some proof?  Gladly.

I took this shot at the long-term parking at JFK.  There’s a large lamp post in the middle of this parking spot (way to go, JFK).  But fuck if that’s going to stop this Audi driver from parking his ridiculous 4×4 into this sliver of a parking space.   And he backed it in!

 

 

 

And just for fun, here’s a bonus picture of an R8 I grabbed off Jalopnik.  The example of fine German engineering is parked across two parking spots – one of compacts, and one for motorcycles.  Makes you want to key every Audi you see.

 

 

 

 

 

Fans of the Mets, the Jets, and Rush.  I’ve banged on enough about the Jets and the Mets, I think.   The interesting bunch here are the Rush fans.  This past holiday season I was at two parties on successive nights.  At the first party, I saw complete strangers (me included) strike off remarkable conversation and friendships by simply agreeing that a) Rush are insufferable, and b) Geddy Lee is the worst singer in the world.  It was a fascinating evening – it’s like you knew that you could settle into some conversation and camaraderie because you were all able to so easily agree on one thing.   At the second party, I spent about half an hour with a good friend trying to dissect between the ability to hate Rush and the need to appreciate Rush’s talent but simply not like their music.  They’re the same fucking thing.  That’s like saying you can’t possibly hate Hitler because shit, he was a charismatic speaker, you can’t deny that.  Yes, I believe I just compared Rush to Hitler.  What cracks me is how any Rush fan is pretty much a Rush apologist.  Their fans spend more time trying to validate why Rush don’t suck than I do trying to shit on Rush.

Droid phone users.  And speaking of apologists, the biggest, saddest group of apologists in the world are these Droid phone users.  Do you ever see iPhone users constantly bang on about how great the stupid iPhone is?  No, you don’t – because iPhone users just buy the fucking things and use them, and they just get on with it, and they seem quite satisfied (when they’re not whinging about AT&T, that is).  Droid users on the other hand seem to take any fraction of an opportunity to yammer on about how awesome their Droid phones are and how their Droid phones can do all this shit that iPhones can’t do.  Calm down, no one gives a shit about your stupid Droid phone.  You’re never going to convince an iPhone user that your stupid phone is better than the overpriced and incredibly fragile mobile device that Steve Jobs shat upon mankind.  You just aren’t.  So please shut the fuck up about your stupid phone now.  Nobody cares.

The Amish.  ‘Cause they’re never going to read this, amirite?

Middle-aged potheads.  Seriously, it’s just sad.  It’s one thing if you’re blowing the bone when you’re a kid.  But when you’re a graying, middle-aged wank?  Puh-fucking-leeze.  Blazing up when you’re past 50 just tells me that you lack imagination, still relying on weed to get baked.  Shit, I still drink but I sure fuck don’t exactly drink what I drank when was in high school or college.  Like fuck I’m gonna be doing shots of Jaeger or pounding Natty Lights.  Not by choice, at least.  So, if you’re middle-aged and you still insist on getting high, move on to heavier shit like heroin, or knock it the fuck off.  It’s just embarrassing (unless you’re Willie Nelson).

People who give lottery tickets as gifts.  Seriously, what is that.  It is so much worse than not giving someone a gift.  That’s like telling the person you gave the tickets to, “Hey, I give so little shit about your shitty gift that I’d rather not give you the cash equivalent of it, I’ll give that to the Bangladeshi man at the corner deli who sold me these lottery tickets, which will have a far greater than average chance that the coin you use to scratch them is worth exponentially more than what these colorful pieces of paper will ever be.  Fuck you very much, dickhead!”

Escalator standers.  “I hate people who don’t walk on escalators. An escalator is there to help you walk faster, not to avoid walking entirely, you fat useless hump.”  – Anthony Bourdain brings the pain.