So after many, many months years of hype, I finally got down to watching The Avengers when it came out on DVD this week (OMG!! DVDs, who the hell still uses DVDs?!  This loser who still owns a VCR, that’s who)

And if you know hype like I do, having something that lives up to its hype is rarer than getting Apple Maps to work right.  So when I sat down to watch it, I did so a tad begrudgingly.  How the hell could some big studio, big Hollywood production, big action, cashtastic summer movie be that good?  I mean, haven’t we all learned our lesson by now thanks to the douchenozzles of summer flicks: Michael Bay, Brett Ratner, the list goes on.

But this was different, I was promised.  It’s Joss Whedon!  You know, Buffy-Joss Whedon.  Great, another show I never watched or gave a shit about.

Still, this was the biggest movie of the year (I think, I can’t be arsed to look up the tally between this and the Batman movie).  Of course, I’ll watch it.

And it was… surprisingly good.  All said and done, it was a fun movie that checked all the right boxes.  Pretty cool story, enough back story so that I wasn’t completely lost at the beginning (while I typically get my comic book nerd on in full force, I blew off both the Captain America and Thor movies because, holy shit, enough already – so I didn’t have a ton of reference for shit like the Tesseract), and the action was pretty good, I guess.

All of which made it easier to overlook some of the more petty criticisms.  Like Samuel L. Jackson’s persistent overacting, which is the only way he knows to act.  And what the fuck was the point of dark-haired SHIELD agent who did little more than strut around in her catsuit looking insanely hot?  (Oh, that WAS the point – nevermind!)  And why did Thor sound like a drunk Irish sailor?  Also, it seemed like The Avengers spent most of the movie fighting each other, rather than the bad guy.  I mean, one or two side battles is fine, but EVERYONE got in on it.  Get it together, assholes.

But by the end, I bought into it, thumbs up.

When the credits rolled, I wondered, given how fast Hollywood are to rip ideas off someone else, why haven’t DC orchestrated movie deals that ladder up to something the magnitude of The Avengers?  All those other movies – Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America – they were all calculated precursors towards the big prize (why the hell else would you need another Hulk movie?!), the mega make-it-rain party that is The Avengers.  I dunno, Marvel seem to have done a great job creating a long-term strategy to cash in big.

So why not DC?

And then it dawned on me that The Avengers worked because they’re a collective of really shitty superheroes.  Completely unlike DC superheroes.

DC superheroes typically have enough depth that they could hold their own movies – Batman, Superman (not so fast, Aquaman, you’re a waterlogged dipshit).  As characters, they’re multidimensional, have interesting backgrounds, and most important, they have cool powers or gadgets, even if they do have some weird fondness for wearing their briefs on the outside.

Case in point: Batman is moody, has seemingly unlimited Bat-toys, and has an annoying raspy voice; Superman can fly, turn back time by spinning the planet backwards, and has LASER EYES!!!

Captain America has muscles and a shield.  What the fuck is that.  That is such a bullshit premise for a superhero.  To be a proper superhero, you need someone with some domineering trait, some dynamic power or gimmick.  A fucking shield?!  Far and away the shittiest superhero accessory.

Matched only by Hawkeye.  OMG, Hawkeye is the fucking worst.  What makes him a superhero is a bow and a quiver of arrows.  That doesn’t make him special.  That makes him a candidate for the Olympics or a staff member at Club Med.  At one point in the movie, Hawkeye runs out of arrows – as you do – and then you immediately realize at that point that he’s fucking useless.  For comparison, let me remind you: Superman has laser eyes that never run out!!

There’s useless and there’s completely unimpressive.  Black Widow is a hot chick with two pistols.  Really, that’s it?  That’s all it takes to be a superhero now?  How the fuck is she different from every other Angelina Jolie movie.  So fucking lame.  Did I mention that Superman has laser eyes and is impervious to bullets!

Which brings me to Thor.  What the fuck’s his problem?  First of all, go big or go the fuck home.  Put the fucking winged helmet on, motherfucker.  You’re Thor, the Norse god of thunder.  Not Thor, the Norwegian death metal bass player.  Wait, maybe I have that the other way ’round.  Maybe you’re suppose to wear the helmet if you’re in the death metal band.  In any case, stop talking like Yoda, Thor, you sound like an asshole.

Speaking of green creatures, let’s talk about the Hulk.  Quite simply the most enjoyable character in the entire fucking movie.  Mainly because the CGI manifestation was kept to a minimum.  Mark Ruffalo played Bruce Banner with such a wondeful inner struggle, inner pain, and anxious caution, he was on an entirely different level from the rest of the cast.  And when the CGI beast was on-screen, he was responsible for the best scene in the movie:

Iron Man?  I’m still stinging from the complete shitfest that was Iron Man 2.  Holy shit, what an awful movie that was.  The other thing about Iron Man?  He comes with baggage named Pepper Potts.  And anything that forcibly shoves Gwyneth Paltrow’s horrible person in my face can fuck right off.

So you see, a collective of incredibly shallow, shitty superheroes who need each other to be viable in any manner.  Apart, they’re laughable.  To make the formula work, they HAVE to band together.

Which is why a proper Justice League movie will likely collapse under its own weight.  I mean, just look at how dense and complex Chris Nolan’s Batman is.  No doubt Zack Snyder’s upcoming Superman movie will take a page out of Chris Nolan’s superhero treatment.  Neither superhero needs the other to make a better movie.  Each of those guys is deep enough to carry a film on his own.  On their own, they’re not shitty superheroes with shitty powers.  Do I need to remind you that Superman has LASER EYES?!  Laser eyes beat EVERYTHING, by the way.  If I were Superman, I’d use my laser eyes on everything: bank robbers, terrorists, bacon, you name it.

Does anyone in The Avengers have laser eyes?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.