A while ago, there was a Deadspin article about horribly shitty names that assholes of the world were giving their kids.  I remember thinking that some of the names were entirely too comical to be real.  These weren’t even the retarded names that celebs give their future headcase offspring (I’ll get to that later).  These were names that were accumulated off some database – I’m guessing here, I have no idea if any of it was legitimate – which seemingly average people were giving their perfectly average kids.

It’s frustrating when I can’t figure out which group of parents I loathe more.  Is it the dullard parents who give their kids the most unimaginative of names? “Oh, your son’s name is Jonathan? How clever!  We just don’t hear that name very often.”  Or those who try too hard by coming up with completely insane spellings for what are otherwise the most unimaginative of names?  Looking at you, Dwyane Wade’s mom.  Worse are those with terminally-doomed-to-be-a-stripper names like Tiffany, when they’re spelled in the most insane way, like Teaphuneigh or something.

The other day I read a ridiculous story about some girl named Shiseido“Yes, that’s right, nurse, I’m naming my child after my wrinkle cream.”  And now we know why she’s so fucked in the head.

And do my eyes deceive me every Sunday, when I turn on the TV, and three quarters of the football field have players whose names start with some prefix, like Le- or De- or D’?  LeJonathan-something-or-other.  D’merit-wha?  I don’t understand this trend.  Even more perplexing is the growing fondness for football players to hyphenate multiple last names.  Everyone’s an Anglophile all of a sudden.  Previously, the Poms seemed to be the only people on earth who had two last names that were hyphenated.  Now, every other football player strives to be English gentry.  In two years’ time, I wanna watch Roger Goodell’s head explode when some NFL rookie tries to add “Esq.” to the back of his jersey.

There are any number of reasons why your kid’s name sucks.  But one of the most contemplative reasons – at least for me – is giving your kid a name for which you have absolutely zero intention of ever using to address him or her.

Yesterday, I read that Uma Thurman named her kid Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson.  I hate that I fucking know this.  First of all, that’s just being fucking greedy.  Why are you amassing all those names for just one kid, Uma Thurman?  Second, you’re gonna fuck her up when she’s got forms to fill out – they’ll never give you enough boxes to fill in her full name.

Third, Uma Thurman plans on calling her daughter “Luna”.  That’s night, because Luna is one of her na… oh, right, IT’S NOT EVEN HER NAME!!  Listen, you crazy bitch, if you want to call you daughter Luna, JUST NAME HER LUNA!!  This is such a typical celebrity asshole move.

Actually, that’s not entirely true.  The big about this being a typical celebrity asshole move.  Because tons of pretty average non-celebs do it, too.  I’ve lost track now of how many new parents I’ve run into who boast, “We’re going to name him X, but we’ll call him Y”.   This isn’t a case of calling a kid Joe when the name on his birth certificate is Joseph.  This more like, “His name is Charles, but we call him Brad.”  Fuck you.

I get the super-ultra-mega-WASPy thing of giving your kid the WASPiest nicknames in the universe, like Chip or Bo.  I watched enough shitty ‘80s high school comedies to understand that culture well enough.  It’s part of what makes you the whitest human being on the planet, I get it.

Which I guess is par for the course because you think about who else is given a name but is called something entirely different?  Show dogs.  Show dogs owned by the whitest people on earth, by the way.  You ever watch one of these insane dog shows?  You think race horses have crazy names?  Show dogs have like five horse names strung together.  “Grand Ballerina Of The Martian Nile” or some shit like that.  But make no mistake: that Lhasa Apso is called “Muffy” at home.

Awesome, so you’re treating your kids like show dogs now.  That’s nice.

Listen, I’m not saying my kids have the best names (they do).  After all, we named one after a race car driver, and another after an insane murderous king.  Them’s the breaks.  As it is, I’ve already fucked things up because Chinese heritage says that you shouldn’t consciously name your kids after someone else, especially not an ancestor.  Given the reverence of ancestors in Chinese culture, having your kids bear their name would be far too great a burden on the hapless child.  Think of the children!

But in the end, I’m calling my kids what I named them.  It’s their names, if I have the gall to give them these names, the least I can afford them is their privilege of actually using them.  It may seem like some insignificant gesture, but it’s one thing – one thing –  I can do to not fuck things up for them.