I recently came across some Facebook analysis that a buddy of mine had posted to his Facebook wall.  Basically, it’s a site that’ll examine your Facebook page to analyze and spit back out some trends on how you use Facebook.  Being an idiot (and having my usual ill-regard for my online security) I granted the site access to my Facebook account, and let it do a bit of a tarot card reading of my Facebook content.  “Sure, rummage around, see what can you find.”

And it spit back a whole report about my Facebook.  Here’s what it said:

Posting in the afternoon is no surprise.  Studies repeatedly show that mid-afternoon is when Facebook is most active.  Now, let’s look at the topics about which I post.  “Cars,” sure I agree.  “Your community”?  What the fuck does that even mean?  That could mean anything.  Or nothing at all.  “Fashion”?  How dare you, sir, I say, how dare you.

The chart at the bottom is likely the most comical so far.  Much like this blog, “Loving” and “happy” are obvious and consistent qualities I overindex in my posts.  Of course they are.  I appear to have maxed out on “loving”.

Apparently, I’m only averaging 70 statuses a month.  Two-and-a-third posts per day average.  Fucking slacker.  But nowhere as much as of a slacker as the rest of you, apparently.  Others have 12.8 posts per month?  Why even fucking bother, you guys – just shut down your Facebook accounts and move the fuck on.  Just pack it in, you guys.

Now let’s look at these so-called “personality qualities.”  “Extroverted”?  And I thought I was a shy person who kept to myself.  “Cautious”?  What about?  What the fuck am I cagey about?  How the fuck is “strong willed” not off the charts on this one.  And “spiritual”?  Must be because I react to everything with “holy fucking shit”.  And apparently the fact that I fucking hate everything ranks as marginally optimistic in Facebook world.  I’m clearly out of my league in the call-bullshit-on-everything arena.  Facebook is apparently a seething cauldron of hateness, and I’m fucking bush league.

At this point, I’m reassessing this analysis – it’s not whether or not this analysis is fucked-up; it how fucked it really is.

Suck it, C.S. Lewis.  Or something.  What a retarded benchmark that is.  And apparently, the most liked updates I posted are also the least intelligent.  Gee, thanks a million, you guys.

Thank God the girls outnumber the guys.  Still got it.  But holy shit, I clearly to do run with people my age.  Why the fuck is everyone older than me?!  Oh yeah, because as a rule I pretty much hate anyone under the age of 25.

So what has this analysis taught me?  Pretty much one thing – it’s full of shit and almost entirely useless.  Pretty charts are nice, but squiggly lines and fancy bar charts are only impressive to nitwits if they don’t tell you anything substantive.

Maybe it’s garbage in, garbage out.  This site is crunching numbers from Facebook, and because Facebook is full of shit, the report is comprised largely of digital excrement as well.  Between all the missing updates from your friends, and everyone’s exploited accounts in which Facebook takes your name to “like” bullshit brands without your knowing, Facebook is such an anus.  And in spite of that, I continue to use it daily and frequently.  Because I’m an idiot.