It’s a crisis! I wish everyone I know would just buy a goddamn Porsche and be done with it. Instead, everyone around me – everyone who is every bit as middle-aged as I am – is not doing that.
Midlife crises used to be so easy work through. So predictable, so easy; practically transactional. You ran out and bought a Porsche. Or you got some bouncy new boobs. Swipe your credit card, you’re done.
Suddenly a 911 and pectoral saline vessels aren’t good enough anymore. No, now everyone’s got to get fit. Gotta work out, gotta pump up! When you realize that you’re closer to death than you are from your birth, no one wants to go out in a blaze of glory anymore. Instead, everyone wants to amp up the health factor, make up for years of indulgence and intoxication, desperate to try and reverse the aging process.
So yeah, let’s all work out and kick ass.
Remember when everyone on the planet wanted to take up kickboxing? Ooooh, so tough. But kickboxing is just so ‘90s, you guys. Now, if you really want everyone know you’re middle-aged, kicking ass, and taking names, you gotta run a dozen miles, AND go to a spin class, AND take a crossfit session. All before lunchtime, bitches.
Marathons? Fuck that shit, you pussy – ULTRAMARATONS FTW, motherfucker! Wait, scratch that – running’s not enough, I better tack on some swimming and some cycling to it! Fuck yeah!
“Hey, how’s your marathon training coming along?” “Hey, are you signed up for next month’s tri?” “We totally need to sign up for that obstacle race where they swing glass-encrusted sledgehammers at you and send 50,000 volts of electricity right to your nipples.”
OMG, SHUTTHEFUCKUP, SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP, SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!
A buddy of mine once shared this joke with me, “When you’re at a party, how can you tell which ones are triathletes? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.” Except it’s not a fucking joke. The only thing more irritating than a triathlon are all the assholes running them.
All these fucking guys can’t wait to tell you about all their training, how their last event went, what races they’re signed up for, how many miles they ran this week, what shoes they ended up with after they got sized up by some supercomputer or some fucking shit like that.
Stop being so psyched, for fuck’s sake. It’s fucking irritating. Fucking nerd dorks with 2% body fat. No one’s impressed. You’re annoying as fuck and you look gross.
The most irritating of all are all these obstacle races that are all the fucking rage. Crawling through mud, climbing walls, running under barbed wire, and fuck know what. And these fuckers get so fucking carried away with all of it.
Admittedly, I signed up for one of these fucking things. A year ago, happened upon one of these races and saw a bunch of people climbing ropes and running through mud, and thought, “Hey, playing in that mud looks fun.” I have the maturity of a 5 year-old. So I signed up for this year’s Merrell Down And Dirty Mud Run. As a goof. Because I hate running with every fiber of my being, and I am the least competitive (in physical activity) person I know. I chose this particular event because it was the most creampuff event, and it took place 5 miles from my house. That’s how lazy I am.
No fire pits, no swimming through pools of urine, no electric fences, none of that bullshit. This was no more treacherous than playing flag football a bunch of pissed-off midgets. Seriously.
Yet, I showed up the day of the event, and the entire scene instantly laughable. Girls with team shirts saying “Beast” or “Tough Bitch” or something touting grrrrrl power. Beefcake dudes with bandanas wearing eye black. Everyone was constantly growling or grunting and pumping their roided fists in the air.
I had entered the WWE of running.
Are you fucking kidding me. This was little pussy 3-mile run with a bunch of shitty obstacles thrown in, and you guys are losing your shit over this? Calm the fuck down, you Adderalled assholes. Maybe cut your Red Bull intake in half, let’s start there.
And for all the posturing and bullshit tough guy theatrics, I ran this race and came in 8th in my class. 8th. This fat fuck. All without any growling or making my pecs dance. Puh-fucking-leeze.
You fuckers need to save all the grunting and shouting and the eye black and the compression sleeves for something that’s worth going ape shit over. At the rate these types of events are taking off, it won’t take long. Assholes aren’t going to happy until there’s an event in which race organizers are firing live rounds at the runners, making them run through actual minefields, and playing dodgeball with a balloon filled with the Ebola virus.
This is how “The Running Man” will come about. And when it does, I hope it comes with all the shiny spandex we can stand. Until then, would the rest of you please, PLEASE, PLEASE shut the fuck up about your workouts.
This Annoys Me 
Hi! You are seriously funny. Sound like me – when I’m not in front of my child obviously! Wonder if we suffer from the western educated south East Asian child of the 70s symptom? I’m a doctor.
Keep up the Tourette’s. make me laugh and feel slightly kindred that I am not alone in this sweariness.
I enjoyed this. Tough Mudder is the Facebook of ‘fitness events’. Overblown and reeks of “validate me please”
This is so funny and true. You forgot to mention the outrageous entry fees. To enter Ironman distances you need to ask for a loan, and to be chased by the zombies running races cost your life of savings -dead or alive-. Many of these events are geared toward rookies, kinda like the Runner’s World subscription magazine while others become so caught in their world of “group fitness” and it turns to be a part of their social life.
It is a big fitness craze that moves stupid trends. Cross Fit is one of them. They gotta lure those people who can’t stand exercise with something “fun” and dangerous. The marketing trainers will come up with pseudo-science facts like lifting a barbell of on rolling logs is great for you core muscles. Wanna be in shape believers will pay a pretty penny too to be told to do the circus acrobatics, and listen to all sort of crazes.
these events are making the organizers wads of money!! everyone is doing them. Love your swears, rage and rant, it is sooooo funny!! I have to say that I don’t mind people are doing them but agree that it gets irritating how many people sling around the word “baddass” girl powerrrr etc and the bandanas and chest thumping and all that is really annoying. But, I think that the reason a lot of people are doing these events is because they are reasons to work out and try to get in shape, you get to an age where you realize that it feels good to be in a little bit of shape. I don’t do these fake obstacle courses, but I do work out because I get that post-workout high, it just makes me feel good… but, you won’t see me posting my workouts or events etc online, I do it because it makes me happier and more able to tolerate work and life 🙂
you seem crotchety and cantankerous like myself. nice work! esp on the elastic ankle jogging pants hipster fail.
re: this post, muscular sinewy women are hardly attractive. more like frightening!
thx for the laughs 🙂