Tag Archive: Bronx

Last week, as I was doing my daily persuing of Gawker, I came across this article.  While the conclusion (the Gawker one, not the incredibly douchey quote they used) was most apt, I started to make an assessment of what I do that makes me a “New Yorker”.  By the way, I fucking hate the term “New Yorker”.  “New Yorker” is a goddamn magazine.  More so I don’t want to be a “New Yorker”, like it defines me or something.  The same way people with diabetes or asthma don’t want to be called “diabetics” or “asthmatics.”

I prefer to say “I’m from New York”.  Except I’m not.  Like a kabillion other people in NY, I moved here from a far, far away.  Halfway ‘round the world, in fact – Kuala Lumpur.  But that was a long time ago, and NY is now my home.  It has been close to 20 years.  Which means, as the Gawker article suggests, I am for all intents and purposes, a goddamn “New Yorker.”

Which also means that it is my God-given right to get massively fucked off with clueless tourists.  But worse than tourists are people who live in NY but continue to act like tourists.  If the “living in New York for 10 years” rule is pretty spot on, then most of these offending residents are often kids recently out of the school who are now working in the city.  Or folks transferred to NY for work.  Either way, you know who you are.

For fuck’s sake, start acting like you belong here.  Stop being so visibly enchanted by all the cool and crazy shit you see around you.  Stop going to your Facebook account and saying how much you love this city.  You sound and look like a retarded cat chasing around a laser pointer.  In fact, stop using Facebook to show off to your family and high school friends back in Ohio or Virginia or wherever you’re from, what a good time you’re having here in New York.  I’m sure your mom is sufficiently impressed, but that’s no reason to broadcast this past weekend’s exploits at the Frying Pan to everyone you know.  Why are you friends with mom on Facebook anyway?  That’s just weird.

For fuck’s sake, DO NOT call the city “Gotham”, “The Big Apple”, “City That Never Sleeps”.  No self-respecting New Yorker (ugh!) says shit like that.  I know people from northern New Jersey – NEW JERSEY!! – who refer to the city like that.  Those people need to be restricted from ever leaving the state of New Jersey.

As with not calling New York stupid names like “Gotham,” if you live here, you also need to stop acting like the whole city is one big “Sex & The City” episode.  That fucking show – besides being braindrainingly retarded – also set the city back by several decades by portraying city women has annoying, devastatingly insecure harpies.  Even so, it’s a stupid TV show.  That’s like moving out to L.A. and trying to live like Brandon Walsh.  Knock it off.

Also, stop eating at places like Olive Garden or Crapplebee’s.  No self-respecting New Yorker eats in shitholes like that.   Richard Christy, one of the writers from Howard Stern’s show, is a hilarious yokel shithead from Kansas, who’s been part of the show for the better part of 10 years now, and he’s been living in NY the whole time.  The hilarity stops when he goes in the air and talks about how he orders from Papa John’s when he wants to treat himself.  WTF.  New York has a minimum of ten proper pizza joints on every block, and pizza here is without question the best pizza in the country.  Yet, this shithead can’t see beyond the greasy manhole covers they sell at Papa John’s?  Richard Christy clearly no interest whatsoever of “being from New York.”

And for God’s sake, move around a little.  If you live in the Upper West Side, get out of the Upper West Side as often as you can.  Go hang out in Red Hook (yes, go look it up, I’ll wait).  Go see Staten Island (the ferry is free, for fuck’s sake).  If you insist making your New York existence as some hipster douchebag living in Brooklyn, go venture to the Upper East Side or something, even if you don’t think you’re gonna find anything you like.  Not everything is a cosmo bar or some trendy BBQ joint.

But avoid places like the top of the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. What are you, insane?  They’re loaded to the gills with tourists and you’re trying to avoid being associated with tourists, remember?  Only go if you have family in town and if you go, make sure grumble the entire time.

I’d like to think I’m New York enough.  But I live in the ‘burbs, just north of the city – still New York state, not New Jersey or Connecticut.  I like my front yard, my backyard, I like not sharing walls with potential axe murderer.  That may cause me to lose some major cred with my New Yorkness.  But close to 20 years in, I think I’ve got what being from New York mostly figured out.  Mostly.


[Originally posted November 2010]

[Originally posted September 2010]

Have a look at this picture.  I think it’s a pretty cool picture.  Risked soaking my iPhone in efforts to try and capture a cool photo while aboard my new stand-up paddleboard.  This stand-up paddleboard is kind of a big deal for me these days.  It’s my newest toy.  I go through these phases – find something new and I sink every waking second of attention to it.  It happened with bicycles, it happened with guitars, and now it’s my stand-up paddleboard.

Why?  Probably because as of right now, I’m the only game in town when it comes to stand-up paddleboarding.  I go out each weekend and I have all the water to myself.  Me, and a dozen other douchebags in their boats.  That’s not fair – they’re not all douchebags.  That’s just my jealousy from lacking the means to possess some motored fiberglass husk that’ll keep me from drowning in the middle of the Long Island Sound.  Plus I can’t be arsed to learn about boats.

The paddleboard is just fine for me.

It’s the closest I’ll ever get to surf culture, which was something that was highly aspirational to me as a kid growing up in a non-surfing country (stupid non-surfing, dream-killing country).  And I don’t have any serious risks on the paddleboard.  I stand on this this, I stand-up and paddle like a lunatic and get all sorts of strange glares and curious questions about what the hell I’m doing out there on the water.

But I digress.  That picture up there annoys me.

Why?  Because I took it, and I was massively impressed with it.  It’s me (kinda), paddleboarding in the Long Island Sound, and it’s a view of the Bronx.  The Bronx, motherfucker.  You ever see the Bronx looking like that?  Law & Order ever show you a sight of the Bronx like that, with trees and water… and a 12-foot surfboard thing?  Like fuck.

So, to me that’s an pretty interesting picture.  I like it.  I send it to friends (yay, I’m doing my part in the social media scene!).  I post it on my Facebook.  And I send it to the SUP ATX page – the board I own is an SUP ATX.  I sent it in hopes of getting some props for taking a cool, unexpected picture.  But no, these dicks just ignore it.  Instead, they’re posting up and lauding pictures of other douchebags on their paddleboards that aren’t even that interesting.  It’s shit I’ve seen over and over and over again.  Hey assholes, I just sent you a picture of your stupid ass paddleboard in the middle of the Bronx, with nice waters and big green trees.  How about some props for the effort!