• Will my kids have the same appreciation for classics like “Top Gun” one day like I did, or will they think I’m a complete jackass for totally loving the adventures of Maverick and Goose (still)?  I mean, if I’m raising my kids right, surely they’ll be able to tell that Tom Cruise is a fucking loon.  But if they see Tom Cruise today, and they see how I can’t change the channel when Top Gun comes on, will they think they have the right to punch me in the balls?
  • Why the hell does Kristen Wiig continue to get props for being funny? Has any one of her retarded recurring characters on SNL made anyone laugh?  It’s like SNL so starved for the void left by Tina Fey that they’ll put anyone in there to fill that spot. Gilly and Penelope are quite likely the unfunniest recurring characters, right after the entire cast of Friends.
  • Who the hell thought up the word “dongle”? And who decided that it sounded OK to use?
  • Given all the stupid names people gives their kids based on movie characters, how come no one’s got a daughter named Leia? I mean, yeah there are kids out there with names that sound like Leia, but how come no one’s spelled it that way? Shit, I’d do it if I had a girl, but seeing as I’ve only got boys, I know I don’t have the balls to be like bold – or cruel – parents who give girl names to their sons.
  • Is the BMW 1-Series quite possibly the most pointless car of all time?  My head hurts thinking about the douchebags in the Germany who OK’d its production, and the people who buy them.  Are there a bunch of really tiny people out there who looked at the very-much-a-compact 3-Series and thought, “Shit, that’s far too large for me, I need something much smaller – smaller but just as pricey”?  And how does such a tiny car still look like an engorged tick?  Where is the logic in this fucking car?
  • Why exactly is going on with Thom Yorke’s face? Why does it look like it’s perpetually melting… sideways?
  • Why do Oriental folks (yes, Oriental – not “Asian” because those include people from Sri Lanka or Vladivostok, get a clue) hold up the peace sign when having their picture taken?  What the fuck is that about?
  • Speaking of taking pictures, why is it the smaller the mom, the bigger her camera?  It used to be the smaller the mom, the more monstrous her SUV.  That’s so ’90s.  It’s transposed to massive SLR cameras now, and I haven’t a clue why.   These moms look like they’re trotting around bazookas.  It’s so predictable now.  If you’ve got a 5’2″ soccer mom who weighs about 105lbs with three kids in her Yukon, you can bet that she’s got a massive camera with a lens the size of oil drum in the front passenger seat.  I guaranfuckingtee that.
  • How do we stop Russell Brand?  He’s quite a testament to what it takes to make it in this country, isn’t he.  He’s living, breathing proof that you can be the hackiest unfunny act since Dat Phan, and as long as you speak with an accent, the mouthbreathing masses will believe that you’re funny.  This fucker needs to stop getting work.  I refuse to raise my kids in a culture that believes that Russell Brand personifies any semblence of comedy.
  • Did I leave the garage door open again?