Tag Archive: MLB


In college, one of my fraternity brothers bestowed this nugget of wisdom with me – teams’ performances often match the appeal of their uniforms.  Well, he didn’t exactly say it that way.  He was more like, “Teams with shitty uniforms never fucking win.”  Then he probably puked out the window after downing a case of Natty Light in our booze-free dorm.

So, yet another unoriginal idea from me, then.  Still, I’ve always kept this concept in the back of my head as I follow different sports season in, season out, year in, year out.  And you know what – he was fucking right.

Since I work in a creative industry (hah!), I’m always drawn to aesthetics.  I think it’s mostly because I probably always wanted to be a creative person.  But since I don’t do well with rejection (“What the fuck do you mean you don’t like my idea of midgets swimming with eels as an idea to sell penis pills?!”), I never pursued it properly.  Doesn’t stop me from always judging things by their aesthetics.  You don’t have to be Steve fucking Jobs to constantly see that things can work and look better.  Case in point: bigger boobs win almost all the time.  You know I’m right.

Anyway, shitty uniforms.  My buddy Keith was fucking right – teams with shitty uniforms don’t win shit.  The sport world is absolutely littered with examples to support this.

Look at the Denver Broncos.   I’m not talking about Jesus H. Tebow.  This pre-dates him by over a decade.  This involves his boss upstairs.  Again, not talking about God, let it go already.  John Elway, bitches.  That shitty orange and royal blue with the snorting horse in the D cursed Elway for almost his entire career.  Thank fuck they went to the Cyber Bronco design just in time.  Design change = instant Super Bowls.  Two of ‘em, in fact.

 

[Side note:  While I’m so, so fucking tired of the zoo that is Tebow Time, I just need to say that if Tebow was as fucking pious as he keeps telling us, he wouldn’t have been a professional football player.  This fucker chooses the one profession outside of the clergy that absolutely requires that you work on the Sabbath.  What a dick.]

More evidence?  The Tampa Bay Bucs had the pussiest orange uniforms ever.  They were completely and utterly useless.  Until they went to the pewter helmets and red jerseys.  And they dropped the creamsicle color, the stupid swashbuckler and went with a proper pirate logo. Sure, they became much more cartoonish – they have a pirate ship with real working cannon right there in their stadium! – but that swashbuckler was such a douchebag logo.  And wasn’t (isn’t?) Jon Gruden a real-life cartoon anyway?  In any case, new uniforms = Super Bowl.

Speaking of naff-looking mascots, I present the fucking New England Patriots.  Look what happened when they dropped Paul Bunyan Revere (EDIT: idiot moment) in a three-point stance.  Flashy silver helmet, stylized logo that’s not vomit-inducing = dynasty.  Granted, it’s a dynasty of voodoo-wielding, peeping tom assholes.  But a dynasty is a dynasty anyway you get it.

 

A subtler, less successful example would be the Philadelphia Eagles.  The Eagles went from looking like green M&Ms to that slick-looking hunter green – it’s just a much cooler shade of green, isn’t it.  With that new green, they consistently marched into the playoffs (in 2011, it appears that the new uniform mojo has completely worn off).  Fuck Andy Reid, it was the uniforms.

On the other hand, teams that constantly change their colors and/or logos deserve to fuck right off.  The most egregious offenders?  The MLB and the NBA.  Bar none.  How many times have the Texas Rangers, the Arizona Diamondbacks, or the Houston Astros changed their team colors?  Or the Milwaukee Bucks or the New Jersey Nets (Brooklyn represent!)?  Fuck ‘em.  Pick your goddamn colors and stick with them.  Learn to create a fucking legacy instead of trying to be like the sports equivalent of InStyle magazine.

So by definition, if teams with cool uniforms do more winning, then the reverse has to be true – teams with shitty uniforms don’t win shit.  This elite class of failures is practically overrun with willing participant teams: the New York Mets and Jets (spiritually these two are the exact same team who happen to play with different-shaped balls), the aforementioned Milwaukee Bucks, the New York Islanders, the Miami Dolphins (their stupid cetacean is wearing a goddamn helmet… on a helmet), and the reigning king of retarded uniforms, the University of Maryland football team.  Listen, you half-shell fuckwits, if you’re gonna show up on the field looking like a truck full of Skittles slammed into your locker room before the game, you’re gonna get your asses kicked like the goddamn clowns you resemble.

Now I’m off to figure out what I can wear with my University of Texas sweatshirt which I made the mistake of buying when I visited Austin.  That burnt orange color is bullshit and matches with NOTHING.

 

It started as a grand ambition.  To squeeze some major Americana into one weekend in some distant city.  I scoured the sports schedules.  MLB schedules, NFL schedules, NASCAR, you name it.   After several evenings of fucking around with dates and events, it came together:  I would go to Chicago one September weekend.  A Cubs game on the Saturday, and a NASCAR race on Sunday.  Two of the most Yanktastic sports imaginable: baseball and idiot car racing.  If we were a smarter nation, we’d combine the two – baseball car racing.  Both sports involve going around in circles anyway, how hard would it be to drop a dozen cars in the middle of a ballpark and go nuts.

Anyway.  Cubs and NASCAR.  The sports of kings.  No, I don’t mean “kings”, do I…  The sports of Larry The Cable Guy.

 

The Cubs game was superb.  The bonus bit was that the Cubs actually won (!!!).  I was convinced that they’d find a way to choke (you know, like the Mets’ season-long game plan), but holy shit, they won!  Truth be told, I didn’t give a shit if they won or lost, it was being at Wrigley Field that made it such a goddamn thrill.   The ivy-covered wall in the outfield, the absence of a blinding jumbotron or other gratuitously shiny gizmos, and… the Old Style!  Ohmigod, where have you been my whole life, Old Style?   The ridiculous cheap-ass cans, the crisp yet watery flavor, the logo that looks like it was lifted from Medieval Times?!  It fuckin’ made the ballpark for me.  It allowed me plenty of visits to Wrigley Field’s famed piss troughs.  And that was fucking awesome.

After the Cubs won, we wandered down the street and checked into some lively bar.  It was a glorious moment when I realized that we’d walked into a Michigan State bar.  Michigan State and the Indianapolis Colts bar, actually.  How the fuck you put those two together I have no idea.  But I didn’t give a shit – on every screen in this place was the Notre Dame-Michigan State football game and I was surrounded by stupid Spartan green.  Fuck it, I was going to ride this game out in this bar.  It was a peculiar thrill ‘cause I had never been around so many Michigan State fans before.  This was going to be awesome!  Many, many, many, many pints later – and some hot wings that seemed to be made of molten lava – Notre Dame soundly spanked Michigan State.  And with that, we took our leave.  But not before we were treated to some of Chicago’s finest partying heavyweights:

500 lbs of grain-fed, alcohol-marinated Iowa football fanatic, sprawled in the middle of Clark Street with such finesse and grace, it took half a dozen pedestrians (who themselves were a right mess) and two squad cars to drag this lifeless lump off the asphalt and onto the sidewalk.  Well done, Hawkeye, well done.  I, for one, have never seen a beached whale this far from the ocean.

 

But you can never get too from the hipster douchebags.  Here were two of the top candidates who sauntered right by me.  It was interesting how these two bros were playing off each other.  I really didn’t quite get the vibe they were going for as a unit.  Was there a costume party that spontaneously broke out in the middle of a Saturday afternoon?  Did Chicago have its own Running Of The Bulls event that hadn’t been savvy to?   ‘Cause I’d love to have seen that – several hundred shitheads getting mauled by tomorrow’s Applebee’s combo dinners.  What of the colossal douche in the hat, sportcoat and penny loafers?  Maybe these two assholes confused a bull run with a bull fight.  How I wish the shithead with the hat was on his way to a bullfight.  Those red shorts would be the most perfect target for getting cockpunched by a raging ox.

 

 

Tomorrow: I fail to take a bite out of the chicken-fried steak of American sport

 

I just got back from vacation, so I’m still in full-lazy mode.  I really can’t be arsed.  About anything, not just work.  It took a tremendous amount of effort this morning just to brush my teeth.  Which is why when I read Drew Magary’s article today on Deadspin about bullshit, asshole coverage of Derek Jeter’s not-really-that-big-a-deal 3,000th hit over the weekend, I figure I’d let him do my ranting for me.  Also because I couldn’t possibly improve upon his take.

Presenting The World’s Dick-Suckingest Derek Jeter Column

Enjoy.

  1. “I haven’t seen a lot of classic movies.  Like all the Adam Sandler movies.”
  2. “Eiw, look at that sausage.” – some girl upon seeing me eat a sausage-and-peppers sandwich
  3. “You’re not rooting for the Red Sox, are ya?”, when I commented on how awful relief pitcher Tommy Hottovy was, who had pitched 6 consecutive balls right out of the gate, and had to have a speaking to.
  4. Forcing “Yankees suck” into their stupid “Sweet Caroline” sing-along.  That’s just so pathetic and retarded.
  5. Anything else spoken in that ridiculous accent.  “Hyeh’s yeh cahd back”, “How many byehs?”, “Have a nice day.”

[Originally posted October 2010]

When talking about your favorite teams, you use the pronoun “we”. What do you mean “we”, white man? “We can’t get the job done in the red zone.” “We have awesome rebounding.” Really, asshole? Like you’ve actually got a hand in how your stupid team are shitting the bed on the 20-yard line. How many balls did you strip off Shaq last night? Much as I’d like to attribute your team’s failure to you, nothing you have done, can do, or will do will have any impact on how your stupid team does on the field. Stop inserting yourself into your sports team. They do all the hard work, you sit in front of your TV stuffing your fat face with an oversized Papa John’s and Miller Lite. So knock it off with the “we” bullshit.
Your teams are the Dallas Cowboys, the New York Yankees, the L.A. Lakers, AND the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Are you fucking kidding me? And I’ll wager you don’t live anywhere near Dallas, New York, Los Angeles, or South Bend. But that sure as hell can’t stop you from hopping on every imaginable bandwagon. And my God, do you ride that goddamn bandwagon. You’ll take every opportunity to shove it down everyone else’s throat and make goddamn sure that everyone knows what super-awesome team you back. You’ve hedged your bets in every possible way to make sure you’re the exact opposite of an Oakland fan. Well, congratulations, you are why shit restaurants put cheddar cheese on ribeye steaks. Think about it.
You’re a transplant, and you’re the biggest fan of the city in which you live. I have a friend from Detroit who now lives in New York. He’s lived in New York forever. And he is the single sports fan for whom I have the highest regard. Why? Because he is the most unrepentant Lions, Tigers, and Pistons fan. Think about that for a second. In 2008, he spent every weekend waving the Lions flag. Oh-and-sixteen, and he never gave up. The next year, he was unwavering and came back for more. That’s balls, that’s a proper goddamn fan. Not like you. Because you moved to L.A. from Ohio or whatever shithole you crawled out of, and you’re now the biggest Laker fan next to Jack. Or worse, you move to New York and you’re now a Jets or Mets fan. Like you actually chose – willing chose – to back the sporting abominations that are the Jets or the Mets.  Which means you’re guilty of not just shitty loyalty, but also of ridiculously poor judgement.  Is there any way you could be more full of shit?