When this fucking band came on a scene a couple of years ago, naturally I ignored them like most other pointless pop bands that come brandishing guitars and drums and make hits with shitty music.  I just expected them to come and go like hundreds of other shit bands.

What the fuck happened?!

Now this fucking band are continuing to sell records, make appearances on award shows, go on tour, and there doesn’t seem to be any shortage of people lining up to buy their horrible shit.  It’s like the Dave Matthews Band thing all over again.  Or Coldplay.  But with much, much shittier tattoos.  And fewer awful actress wives.

Yet, I know I’m a minority (again, sigh) in this matter, aren’t I.  I mean, millions of other people are gagging for it with this band.  “Oh nom nom nom, Maroon 5!  So yummy, I must have more!  Maroon 5 are like sonic Chili’s, sooo much bold flavor, dripping with so much sweet, runny sauce!!  Oh God, sooo gooood!!”

You people need to stop with this shit.  You need to realize that this is an agonizingly horrible, horrible band.  A band that seem to have afforded their continued onslaught of mediocrity atrocity by bragging about having the mobility of some 70 year-old rock fossil.  That, and shamelessly milking the fact that they have a dreamy lead singer.  I don’t even need to listen to single note this band plays at this point – just the very idea, the very thought of Maroon 5 makes me feel suicidal.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE fuck off.  I’m talking to you AND the fucking band.

Listen, having a good-looking lead singer is no reason to put up with shitty music.  If that were the case, Aqua would have Led Zeppelin’s career.  Each time I ask someone why they listen to the shit that is Maroon 5, the answer is always the same: that Adam Levine is sooooo hot.  I feel compelled to kick a puppy when I hear that.  In what fucking world does that make a lick of sense?  Hey, why’d you buy that Hyundai?  Because I love Skittles!  What the fuck, you people.

And then there’s the bad ink.  I’ll admit – I’m a big fan of the sleeve tat.  I think they look pretty fucking bad ass.  But it really needs to be just one sleeve.  One arm only.  When both arms are sleeved with ink, you look a shithead.  Like you didn’t know how to fucking control yourself or something.  You’ve just gone too fucking far.  But this fucking Maroon 5 lead singer with his inked sleeve is totally fucking up the look.  It’s just that there is so much bad ink on this fucker.  Put a beehive on him, and he’d look like a lanky Amy Winehouse.  Overcompensate much, asshole?  You see that much ink on say, Lemmy from Motorhead?  And he’s a bad motherfucker.  Maroon 5 lead singer?  So not a bad motherfucker, despite what his arms want you to believe.

Another reason you can’t possibly fucking take this stupid band seriously – the singer’s got a regular TV gig.  No musician who believes in his shit properly takes a fucking TV gig, especially not on some retarded game show.  That is such a bullshit move.  Anyone see Neil Young or Jack White do some inane variety show on TV?  Oh no, of course not – because it’s totally a fucking retarded asshole thing to do and they know it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: I hate all of you people who have prevented all the members of Maroon 5 from promising careers pumping gas somewhere in the Valley.  You’ve rewarded them for basically being the Doritos of pop music.  And that’s fucked up.