Maybe shut the fuck up about politics around your kids

 

Kids. They’ll parrot any old shit they hear. You know why? Because compared to most normal grown ass adults, kids are dumb. Kids don’t know shit.

For a quick second, think about what you were like in college. After the fall semester of your sophomore year, you thought you fucking knew everything. Shit, you were a goddamn college student now, after all – you got yer learnin’ on! Now think about how much you actually properly knew back then. That’s right, you knew fuck all. You barely understood anything about all the shit that really matters in this world.

Now think about a little kid – maybe one of yours if you have one. Maybe an eight year-old runt who’s trying to perfect his delivery of two dozen fart jokes, but also thinks mac and cheese for breakfast is totally OK (sure, why not). And for some reason you might think your kid is brilliant. Except he’s not. Because he’s a fucking kid. For fuck’s sake, even your teenager walks to school in shorts when there’s three feet of snow on the ground and you know it – how smart can they be risking frostbite?

As functioning members of the human collective, kids are dumb. Are we clear on that now? This means kids shouldn’t can’t be trusted with certain things. Grown up things. Things like Kitchen shears. Your car keys. A martini.

And most definitely: your bullshit political tendencies.

Seriously, shut the fuck up about politics and the election around your kids. I’m being serious here. Shut. The hell. Up. There is no reason on God’s green earth for you to be talking about politics and the election with or around anyone who’s still bringing PB&Js to school in a lunch box.

I don’t talk politics with my kids. Not one bit. They’re way too busy getting up to speed on everything else being a kid that the last thing I want to do is boggle them further with comical election bullshit.

So when my elementary schooler comes home and starts mouthing off about Donald Trump or Ted Cruz, all the blood rushes from my head while I do everything I can to not completely lose my shit.

“Donald Trump hates Chinese people!” “Hillary lies a lot.” What the fuck. That’s not coming from me, that’s for sure.

Upon some further incredibly restrained enquiry, said elementary schooler confesses that he heard all these Trump and Cruz and Hillary tales from his classmates.

“But what does it mean, buddy?”

“I dunno, I just heard it from them.”

His response is exactly the sort of response I’d expect from a kid his age. Kids his age just repeat shit, even if they don’t know what it means – they all do it. Maybe it all just sounds funny to them. Maybe it’s because they just want to fit in. Maybe they wanna talk and act all grown up. I’m not clear why, I just know they do it.

Which stands to reason that his friends are likely also just parroting this political rhetoric they got off someone else. They sure as hell aren’t coming up with this shit all by themselves. Unless little Pablo is secretly DVRing Bill Maher and Meet The Press? So where or whom are these kids getting this political shit from? Perhaps an older sibling? Sure, it’s possible. Equally possible – and more than likely – is perhaps from an overzealous parent or two who’s getting all too wrapped up in the election dramz. That’s what my money’s on.

You know what, go bananas with your political rantings all you want – it’s your goddamn right as a grown ass person to give a shit about whatever you want to give a shit about. But leave the kid alone. Your kid is not your ally in your deranged political leanings.

Here’s the thing, on their own volition, your kids don’t care about any of this political shit. It’s petty, it’s tedious, it’s confusing, and it’s packed with premium grade bullshit. No, kids care about Minecraft and milkshakes and farts and Vines and Hotline Bling. They couldn’t possibly give two shits about Hillary’s email servers, they couldn’t possibly understand the viability of Trump building walls, they definitely don’t give a fuck about China or Mexico. Unless it affects where Friday night’s takeout is coming from.

Do you think you’re somehow raising some wunderkind by shoving all your political wisdom down their throats? That they’re somehow going to be really fucking intelligent because they now repeat what your ideology? They have no firm grasp of what you’re yammering on about, I assure you.

And if they tell you they’re backing one candidate over another, it’s not because they love that particular candidate – it’s because they love you, and they want to say things to make you happy. They can’t tell one asswipe politician from another asswipe politician. Reasonably informed grown ass adults can barely do that.

So, please for the love for God, knock it off and leave your kids outta this election bullshit. Just let ‘em be kids. Let ‘em watch cartoons. Make ‘em watch Full House reruns so get what the hell is going on with Kimmy Gibbler. Let them pee outdoors. Let them eat Nutella right from the jar.

Anything’s better than some eight year old mouthing off about Ted Cruz’s supremely punchable face.